Devotion [L. S.]

24

Yay, I'm back from scouting camp! I apologize in advance if the following chapter may seem a little sloppy or not very well-written, I'm just trying to find the time to write throughout all the stuff that's been happening lately.

For example, today we left for our family vacation. It's chaotic, but I try to write as much as possible.

Anyways, just like always, I hope you'll enjoy it and I'm glad to be back, I really missed you guys :)

〜

I'm still laying next to Louis on his bed as the door closes and Fizzy finally approaches.

Louis Tomlinson

"I'll euhm leave you guys a minute", Harry whispers from across the room as he is already heading towards the white clinic door.

I nod and turn to face Fizzy, who was still standing at an awkward distance from my hospital bed. She looks a little pale and clearly very tired, but most of all angry, or sad, I can't really tell.

After a few seconds of silence, she clears her throat in a way of 'Aren't you gonna say anything?'

So in response to that, I decided to go for a:

"What's up?"

I don't know why that was the only thing that came to my mind. Out of all things I could've said, I went for a dry 'What's up?'

"Are you serious, Louis?", she asks in a clearly angry tone as she finally faces me.

I watch her as she fiercely makes her way over to my bed and sits herself down at the foot end. Cluelessly I stare deeply into the eyes of the 13-year-old girl and she stares back with a look of pure sadness. It really made me want to hug her, but Fizzy was never the type of person for hugs and especially not right now, it seemed.

That's when I suddenly feel the strength of a stubborn particularly small fist being slammed into my stomach. You could clearly feel that she meant for it to hurt, but not that much.

I cough out of pure shock and look at her with a look of even bigger shock.

"What did you do that for??", I ask eagerly as a small wave of anger washes over me.

"How could you do this Louis?", I hear the little girl's voice break as she asks me the question, she was probably so afraid to ask.

"Again", she adds on a whisper-tone.

"How could you leave me? How could you leave us?", she shouts, almost historically while a load of fresh tears stream down her pink cheeks.

"Shhhh, Fiz. Hey, I didn't leave you. Look, I'm here. You're sitting here right in front of me. I didn't leave you, I would never", I try to calm the broken girl, but I started to panic myself.

"That's bullshit! If Harry wouldn't have found you, you wouldn't be here and you know that damn well!", she yells back.

I don't know what to say to that, only that she was right. If Harry wouldn't have been there, I wouldn't be here.

A tear finds its way out of my right eye as I sigh loudly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry", I keep repeating these same words in a whisper tone.

I don't dare to look her in the eye, because I know that it will only break me more.

"I just- I was terrified, Louis. I- I don't know what to do here without you. I've always felt like you were the only person on this damn planet who got me even if it was just for a tiny bit. I need my big brother here, I need you here", she confesses in a sudden honey-sweet tone.

I can feel her big blue eyes piercing on the top of my hung head. I decided to look up to her, to check if I was right, but I immediately regret it. Seeing the lonely girl looking at me with a certain look of despair, killed me.

"Honestly, Fiz. I don't know why I do it, or why I keep doing it. It kills me to see what I did to you and mom and dad and everyone, again", I start to just confess the first things that come to my mind.

"I'm scared. I'm fucking scared of losing you all and that's why I can't believe that I let this happen again. After the last time, I made a promise to myself that I would never do this again. That I would never let my mind take full control of my body, but that's the problem, Fiz: I break promises."

"I'm sick, I never said it out loud, I never dared to admit it, but I am. And it's killing me Fizzy. It's killing me", another tear rolls down my face and I hear my voice tremble. 

I feel guilty for using such sentences when I'm talking to my younger sister. She isn't supposed to be the one to hear all of this. I feel guilty for burdening the little girl with all of my problems, as she has, sadly, already enough problems of her own. 

But yet again I felt the same way Félicité just described to me. In some way, I had always felt like she was the only one who truly understood me. That didn't mean that we talked all the time, like me and Lottie, no out of all of my siblings I think I talked least to Fizzy. But there had always been a deeper connection between us. 

Without saying a word she climbs on top of me on my hospital bed. She looks me in the eyes for about 5 seconds and then she wipes my tears off with her sleeve, one by one. I can't remember the last time Fizzy ever showed any form of physical contact, but God, I've missed it. 

I force a small smile until all of my tears are wiped away, Fiz smiles too. Then she gives me a hug, a long warm hug. And without knowing, I realize that that's exactly what I needed at this moment. 

I can feel her slow warm breathing in my neck as I hug her back and close my eyes. 

"If you're ever having a hard time, like ever. Please, come to my room. I can't promise you that I'll give you good advice or that I'll even talk at all, but at least I know something's bothering you then. Can you please do that for me? Then we can just sit and cry about the misery that is our lives, but we'll be together, okay?", she asks me as she goes to sit up again. 

I nod and give her another smile, this one isn't forced. Suddenly she points out her pinky finger. I doubt for a second what I was supposed to do with it, but that's when I remember: when we were little we always used to do pinky promises. I totally forgot about them, but Fizzy clearly didn't. 

I point out my pinky as well (it's about twice the size of hers, which makes it quite a funny sight) and then we link them and hold it like that for about a minute. 

"I should get going now. Mom and dad are probably waiting and you should say goodbye to your loverboy", she giggles as she gets up from the bed. 

I laugh back. 

Before the little girl closes the door behind her, she speaks one more time:

"Oh and about your loverboy: he's cool. I like him, so just letting you know that you have my approval."

"That's good to know", I giggle back and then she closes the door after her. 

〜

Little sibling moment going on here.

Question of the chapter: What's your favourite solo album?

Thanks again for all the support and love this story has gotten, I'm so grateful for every single vote, comment and read.

Thank you!

Xox Nora