Devotion [L. S.]

21

Hi, I'm so sorry this update took so long, I'm in the middle of my exams atm. So that's also why this chapter isn't very long, I just wanted to give you guys something to make up for my absence. Anyways hope you'll like it. (next update will also take some time, but in 2 weeks my exams are over :)

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Trigger warning: eating disorder

Louis Tomlinson

"Fuck", I mumble underneath my breath as I turn left one more time before I was home. 

All the way from Harry's house I've been thinking, about a lot. And out of experience, I know that that doesn't always end well. I tried my best to concentrate on anything other than the fact that I broke up Harry's family, which I did.

If I wouldn't have come over without any warning, none of this would've happened. I fucking outed Harry. I told his dad that I was his boyfriend. At that moment it seemed like the right thing to do, but when I look back at it now, it was so selfish. 

It was Harry's decision to make when he wanted to come out to his parents, not mine. But yet, I did. I wondered what was going to happen to Harry's family. Because even though his father might've been drunk, his mother surely wasn't. She was stone-cold sober and she would probably remember every single thing that came out of his filthy mouth. 

I did it, I just turned the life of the person I cared about most in this world, completely upside down. I can't believe that I actually did that, as always, I despise myself.

Harry has taken away my feelings of doubt about pretty much everything, yes even myself. He took it away and tore it all to shreds, almost impossible for me to take back. Almost, but of course, as always, I manage to take them all back and glue the tiny pieces of lack of self-worth, back together.

I didn't stop feeling as I thought I would've. No, I felt... everything. The bubble me and Harry were living in this past week has just been poked through, harshly.

I could finally see what damage I've done to a harmless boy that I started to love so dearly. Fuck, I shouldn't have fallen for him, but most of all; I shouldn't have let him fall for me.

The boy was the purest thing I had ever witnessed and I tore up his life, just by being fucking selfish.

As I walk up to my front porch, I start to pull the hair in my neck. That's what I always do when I can't distract myself with thoughts anymore. I start by pulling lightly, but the slight pulling forms into tight tugging, way too quickly. I start to tear up out of pure desperation. I try to keep my breathing in control as I climb up my roof in order to get to my bedroom window. 

The same voice that has been in my head for as long as I can remember suddenly wakes up from a week-long sleep. One day, about a week ago, that devilish little voice had just... left. That voice had been haunting my dreams ever since I was a kid. The voice that turned my days into misery and my nights into hell. That same fucking voice that made every single ounce of self-love I ever had, melt like a pile of snow on a summer day. The fact that, what also happened about a week ago, was me meeting Harry, had probably something to do with it. 

But now it had suddenly come back. 

You fucked up bad this time, very bad. 

"I fucking know", I grunt through my teeth as I enter my bedroom through the window. I felt like crying. This past week was the happiest week of my life and now everything suddenly came rushing back. Only now I start to realise how badly Harry and I lived in this bubble of happiness. So badly that I forgot about the hell I went through and was still going through when I met him.