Devotion [L. S.]

14

Trigger warning: eating disorder

Louis Tomlinson

Flashback

Friday, 29th April, last year:

You coming to football practice tonight?? - Zayn

No, I think Imma skip this one too, mate. Too much homework... - Louis

Okay, I guess. It has been some time since I've seen you over there. You sure got a lot of homework. - Zayn

I know my teachers are killing me, sorry pal. - Louis

No problem, just make sure you'll be at Oli's party. It's gonna be sick! - Zayn

I'll be there, mate! - Louis

Which lie was this? The 500th? The 600th? I genuinely wouldn't know, all I knew is that that's all I did these days, lie. 

Yes mom, I ate 2 slices of bread this morning. 

I actually skipped breakfast.

Yes Zayn, I know I lost weight.

No, I didn't. In my eyes, I've gained some. 

Yes grandma, I do look good in this shirt, don't I?

I looked hideous, as always.

Yes coach David, I am still capable of leading a team.

I'm not. I'm the opposite of capable. I'm not even capable of 'leading' myself.

I'm a wreck, a total, fat wreck. I don't understand how anyone could be able of loving me or how they ever were. 

I enter my room after coming up the stairs while chatting with Zayn. Without even paying attention to anything I'm doing right now, I throw down my backpack and phone. And I immediately head over to the mirror. 

It's so weird to me how people are always feeling this need to keep on coming back to the persons or things that hurt them the worst. For me that was definitely a mirror. I absolutely despised mirrors, but then again, I always felt this supernatural pull towards it.

So there I was standing, again, in front of that fucking ugly, white rectangularly-shaped piece of shit. I feel like this is the only thing that will tell me the absolute truth. People will always tell you that you look good, but this doesn't. A mirror is honesty at its purest. 

Well, that will later appear not to be true, in my case anyway, because I'd be diagnosed with body dysmorphia.

With one quick motion, I pull the green Adidas hoodie off of my head. I couldn't look myself in the face, I simply could not. Well, I also practically couldn't. About a month ago, when I was having one of these 'standing-in-front-of-my-mirror-until-I-cry-sessions', I taped off the upper half of my bedroom mirror. In that way I didn't have to look myself in the face. All I could do now is stare at my body. 

I didn't notice my hipbones sticking out of my skin, like they could cut it and I didn't see that you could literally count my ribs. All I saw were those pounds resting on my hips. I could've sworn they weren't there this morning. I knew that I shouldn't have eaten that apple over lunch break. I shouldn't have eaten anything, I just couldn't stand the hunger that was completely taking over my body. 

I felt miserable, that's the only thing I've felt for the past 3 months, misery. I pulled the sweater back over my head and headed downstairs. I still had about an hour before I needed to pick up the girls from school.