Hiding Behind the Lenses (Arte del Amor #3)

Chapter 32

I'd rather have a nightmare, because all the nightmares from all of my life combined are a billion times better than this reality I am living.

The amount of people in Gael's funeral proves how he was loved by those surrounding him.

I wasn't the only one who saw sunshine through him.

Khali didn't leave his side the whole time. She was always beside his casket, and wouldn't budge even if we tell her to go home and rest. Gavin's fiancee is here but Gavin himself is nowhere to be found since Gael's burial.

Wala na akong lakas para pansinin pa ang paligid ko. Grabe na ang pumipigang sakit sa loob ko at iyon ang kailangan kong pagtuonan ng pansin pero kahit anong gawin ko ay masakit.

On Gael's last funeral night, Mommy came to me. I was seated at the furthermost seat at the back with Nikolai when she found me.

Sa loob lang ng ilang araw, nangayayat na siya nang ganito. Nagkatinginan muna kami ni Nikolai at agad ko siyang inilingan dahil gusto kong nandito lang siya.

She sat beside me and held my hand, but I kept my eyes in front, to where Gael's large picture frame is, with tears running down my face. "Forgive me for all my shortcomings, to you, to Gavin... to Gael." her voice broke mentioning my late brother's name.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Gael wouldn't be able to hear that apology now, can he? I can't forgive her for the things that my brother's supposed to forgive her for.

Pero nakakatawa kasi alam ko na marunong siyang magpatawad kahit wala siyang matanggap na paghingi ng tawad. Especially if it's family.

Maybe that is one thing I've always admired about him and I am trying my best to do the same... but that would be hard when it comes to the people who hurt him. The reasons why we're in this situation.

"I thought I was doing what was best for you. I was so wrong to believe that, Lumi... I spent all my time on you in the most wrong way, and I didn't even realize how your brothers were longing for a parent all this time..."

Hindi ko pa rin siya nililingon, pero nang hawiin niya ang buhok na tinatabunan ang mukha ko ay napatingin na ako sa kaniya. "Lumi, you're free now. Go live the life you've always wanted. Catch your dreams..."

Umawang ang bibig ko. Akala ko dati, kapag narinig ko ang mga salitang 'yan mula kay Mommy ay sasaya ako. Akala ko makakaramdam ako ng labis na tuwa sa paglaya...

But today, I felt bitterness.

Gael had to die for me to be free? If yes, then it is not worth it. Nothing is worth losing my brother's life.

I'd gladly lock myself up in this life if it meant having him live longer and shine like he was supposed to.

I couldn't think of anything else but Kuya Gael.

I just miss Gael... and please, bring him back.

He didn't have to leave. Not this soon.

Hindi pa pwede...

My mind is having a hard time focusing that I didn't even notice Dad approaching me until he was in front of me.

He said no words, he only embraced me. But truth is, I've long forgiven him for not doing anything to help me, for only letting my mother do what she wanted with me.

I forgive them for it because nobody knows when they'll be taken away from me, or I taken away from them... and I do not want to spend the rest of our time together staying mad at them.

As I am staring at the fresh grass on his grave and the marble with his name engraved on it... it still doesn't feel real.

I know that death is inevitable, we all die someday... but dying also means losing someone, and losing someone is never easy. Especially when you've always known life with them in it.