Our Saving Grace

Silas - Misplaced Guilt

I watched Sang walk away from us with hunched shoulders and felt this physical need to go after her. To wrap her up in my arms and never let her go. I didn't feel quite whole without her by my side and I knew that even though she was walking away from us, she needed someone by her side right now. But as much as I yearned to follow Sang, I was frozen to my spot. Every single one of my muscles was taught and refused to move. They had been ever since Sang declared that she knew that I wasn't to blame for Luke's pain. Ever since she confidently said that she was positive that Luke didn't blame me either. 

Could that really be true? Is it possible that the barb that had latched itself into my heart, leaving the wound festering and infected could be removed? Could it be true that this impossible weight that I have been cracking under was really not as heavy as I had been imagining? 

Could Luke really forgive me? 

I wasn't the only one frozen. Other than Mr. B and Sean, the whole team was still standing in the small waiting room and none of us had said a thing. North was starting at the door that Sang had left through and most of the other guys were looking between me and North. Probably waiting for us to blow up at each other again like we had dozens of times over the last couple of months. 

The one person I couldn't look at was Luke. I couldn't bring myself to act on the small spark of hope that Sang had given me. Even that small piece was more than I had in months and I didn't know if I would survive if it was ripped away from me. I needed it. It was my lifeline and I was afraid I was going to discover that it was actually false hope if I looked into Luke's haunted eyes. 

Come to think of it, I don't even remember the time I looked Luke in the eye. 

"She's right," a shaky voice said and my head snapped up on its own accord causing my gaze to clash with Luke's light brown eyes. They were more shadowed than I remember and filled with so much pain that I gasped and took an involuntary step backward. "I don't blame you." 

Four words. Four words that had the power to change my entire life. I held my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to classify that statement. Like I don't blame you but I hate you for putting me in that situation. Or, I don't blame you but I can never forgive you for leaving me in that hell for days. I held my breath and I waited, but Luke didn't say anything else. The longer that he didn't qualify that statement, the larger that spark of hope grew until it was a ball of pressure within my chest. 

Finally, Luke let out a breath and said, "I don't blame you. I never did. But I am not like Sang. Not strong like her. I saw how the guilt and anger were eating away at each and every one of you, but I wasn't strong enough to do anything about it. I was too busy trying not to feel. Too busy locking myself away from the world because I am not strong enough to face the truth. To face the fact that I am to blame. Everything that happened was one hundred percent my fault. And saying that out loud, admitting that I am at fault makes it real. And I couldn't stand for it to be real." 

"What happened was not your fault," Kota said determination and conviction powering his words. Luke clenched his fists and it looked like he was biting down on the side of his cheek as he stared down at the ground. "Vic was able to hack into the security feeds. We saw how hard you fought. It was our job to protect you and-" 

"Clearly I didn't fight hard enough," Luke said in a strangled tone, cutting off Kota's own explanation of guilt. We were all drenched in it. That is what happens when someone you love is hurt. You have to find someone to blame. And the criminal gang that had hurt Luke were thousands of miles away and out of our reach. Sang was right when she accused North of blaming me, but that was only a small piece of our reality. In truth, we all blamed ourselves and maybe even each other.