Again -n.h-

Chapter 32

Chapter 32

It's been weeks since Nathan found Josie dead. We have put him in therapy, the girls have been helping around the house while Niall and I take our turns to help Nathan and the girls. They're understanding and it makes everything much easier.

Niall and I haven't even had time to focus on us. Between the therapy appointments, the press, dealing with the police from when Sydney got beat up, and everything else, it's been hard.

Emotionally I feel drained. I felt drained the second the police officers told me that Josie blamed me for her suicidal thoughts.

I never told Niall. I didn't want to burden him with any more then he had to, and besides the kids are our focus. I'm not going to lie though, some days it's hard to wake up and not think of harming myself. It's hard to know that I am the blame for everything.

Maybe if I wouldn't have been such a bitch, she wouldn't have killed herself.

It's late at night now. I have just finished doing the dishes and am moments away from getting into the bathtub to take a couple of minutes to myself. I don't know what happened to Niall, he just had to abruptly leave before dinner and hasn't come back.

When I sink my body into the bathtub, all the stress from my body is relieved and a satisfied sigh escapes my lips. I've been tired before but all of this is a new level.

Sydney having to go to trial, Nathan going to therapy three days a week, getting the kids to do their homework, Niall traveling back and forth to record his new album with the boys. It's all exhausting.

I just wanted a break, but it has only gotten worse.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I sigh in content and place the back of my head against the bathtub. I don't know what is taking Niall this long, but if he doesn't come back home soon then I'll be passed out. There might even be the possibility of me passing out in this bathtub.

Everything has been too much. My body is in overdrive and it doesn't even know how to stop anymore. No one except Niall has noticed. I know he's noticed because of the subtle hints he'll give me such as placing his hand on my stomach to silently tell me to eat, his hand caressing my lower back when we're laying in bed.

He's torn up about Josie dying, and he has a right to be. As much as I hate it, he has a right to be. They were together, they were probably friends or at least tried to be. I don't need him to worry about me when he's dealing with his own things.

At some point, my eyes jolt awake when I feel a hand touch my shoulder. Jumping from my position, I stare at Niall who looks at me with a worried expression. Oh my god, I actually fell asleep.

"Jess, are you okay?" He asks me.

"I- Uh," I say as I try to get up from the bathtub, almost failing practically. Niall helps me get out, helps me dry off before telling me to get to bed.

When I sit down on the bed, the first thing Niall does is grab my hands, turning them around to look at my wrists. His eyes trail down my body and when he looks up at me, I see a very conflicted look in them, "I just wanted to make sure you didn't hurt yourself."

I nod tiredly.

"Will you tell me what's bothering you?" Niall asks, his voice soft.

I shake my head.

"Jessica," he warns as he looks at me with a worried look.

"It's not a big deal, Niall. Can we go to bed?" I ask, my voice coming out hoarse. "I'm just tired. That's all."

Niall sighs, leaning down and pressing his lips to my forehead, "I love you, but watching you destroy yourself is the last thing I want. Talk to me, please."

"There's other things to worry about. Sydney's trial, Nathan's therapy, their school stuff, your new album -"

"Jessica," Niall says, his voice stern as he crouches down in front of me, "You will never be less important than my new album. You and the kids are above that."

I meet his blue eyes, tired of everything, "I think we just need a vacation," I whisper.

Niall nods, "After everything is done we are going somewhere."

I nod, leaning my head against his shoulder.

"Jessica, talk to me," Niall whispers as he wraps his arms around me. "Talk to me about how you're feeling."

"You've got other stuff to worry about."

Niall sighs, getting annoyed at me. He stands up, stepping away from me and paces around the room, frustrated. He doesn't say anything, not wanting to push my boundaries but it's driving him crazy.

"Jessica, I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"I don't need help."

Niall sighs, staring at me, "I am begging you to talk to me. I don't know how I can help you if you keep these things from me. I want to help you."

"Niall," I whine, "I'm fine."

I'm not.

"For fucks sake, Jess!" Niall shouts, his voice echoing through the room, probably waking up the kids.

"You are the one that lost your friend and your ex, why are you so focused on me? It's not worth -"

"Don't you even dare and say that," Niall cuts me off, "You are worth everything. I would do anything to keep you happy."

"That's not true," I say standing up and looking at him. My statement causes shock to fill his eyes and just as he's about to reply, I open my mouth. "How can you tell me you will do anything to keep me happy when you're the one who kept betraying me? You continuously went on tour, now you're making a new album, and then there was Josie!"

"I came home -"

"After Sydney got beaten up! It took Syd getting hurt and then Josie comes back into my life, she's all over the house, and I am breaking down every second trying to stay strong but I'm tired, Niall. I'm so tired of getting blamed."

"No one is blaming you for anything," Niall says.

I scoff, "I was blamed twenty years ago, and now I've been blamed again. Oh look, it's fucking Jessica Horan who seems to mess up Josie's life so much that she decided to commit suicide!"

And then my eyes widen in realization.