Blown Apart

28

Bronte POV

I was not pleased when I said yes to seeing my siblings. It's not like I didn't want to. Actually no, that's exactly it. I wanted to see them, I just didn't want them to see me. But I still love them. I hope that they are okay and when I asked all I received was good news. So I wasn't too panicked about them. But then I wasn't too panicked about anything. I've been staring at a window for what I think to be an hour. And I can feel my mama staring me down. She keeps looking at me and then at the TV. It's some crappy show that the doctors put on to keep me "occupied". It just bored me to death and gave me more of a headache. I've found the window to be more entertaining. I zone out a lot, it's better than being in the present.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I jump as the silence is interrupted. I look at her scared by the sudden contact. That's new. Add jumpiness to the least of things that will make my life more difficult now. I didn't know what had honestly kept my mind busy for so long so didn't know what to say. And if she meant what I thought about every time I have woken up, she wouldn't want to know. So I shrug.

"Please use your voice baby girl." I sigh. If I had to think about it I could have guessed. She wanted me to speak last time. I doubt she would have changed. It's just me. I sigh and try not to roll my eyes.

"I don't know." I barely whisper, my voice quieter than intended it felt like nails on a chalkboard down my throat. I don't let on how much it hurts. She doesn't need more bad news. And I need a drink.

"If you don't want them to come in the room we don't have to. They have just been asking to see you and we think it would be good to have some company on here." Okay then sorted. They won't come. They can stay there and I can stay alone. Perfect. I don't want them to come. But I can't say that and I won't. It will disappoint everyone. I will disappoint everyone and just be letting them down. So I say...

"It's okay." Again not loudly and if she thought about it not very convincingly and if mama thought about it she would know. I don't want them to see me like this. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. But that would hurt too much and I don't want to move, it's too much energy that I don't have.

Lucky for me we go back to silence. I go back to my window that doesn't make me do anything, lets me stare out of it. Mainly doesn't make me speak. Eventually she doesn't try to start another conversation with me, I can tell she wants to and that she is disappointed that I don't try to start one either. Eventually I hear her phone beep, and feel her let go of my hand and check her phone.

"Okay your siblings are all in Cece's room. If you don't mind, I can stay if you want, I'm going to go to them and bring them back? We can play board games. Just sit and chat. Whatever you guys want to do, okay?" I nodded, not fully hearing what she had said. I then hear her sigh, still not moving my head away from the window.

"Bronte..."

"Yea it's okay." I correct myself and hope she leaves it at that. She touches my arm saying she will be back. I can't look at her just in case she is annoyed. She probably is so I didn't take the risk.

I don't know how long I have sat alone, but soon a knock breaks me from my silence. I look and Dr Lexie Grey walks in and I give a weak smile.

"I could see you were spending time with your mom so I didn't want to walk in, but I need to check your vitals if that's okay?" I nod, her coming in before could have been a useful distraction for all of us.

"Can I have a drink?" I strain my voice to come out and she can hear sounds like I've scrapped nails down a chalkboard.

"Okay I'll grab some water quickly." I nodded as she leaves the folder she brought in in the room and goes outside. I look at the folder, if I could learn forward that far enough without pain I would get that. I would look at it all written down on paper. See if they think I'm dying. I make a weak effort that fails. Lexie comes back in and she thinks I'm trying to sit up more, so comes and adjusts the bed. I'm not mad about it, though. I haven't got a lot of strength to do it anyway. She hands me the drink and I start sipping. It feels amazing.