Blue

Pity Party

For the first time since all this started, Jungkook had a heavy heart, it was different to how he felt that night he walked out of Bluebirds whilst Vante was performing, this was the sort of heaviness that made you feel like you were sinking, laced with nausea. He couldn't hold back the tears or deal with the overwhelming disappointment he felt in himself as he went straight home. He wasn't too proud to admit that he'd cried when he climbed into the bed he'd shared with Tae the night before, sending him a text full of sorry's because he didn't know what else to do.

He was stupid, he knew he was, up until the split second decision out of pure desperation to see the stripper, he had prided himself on being different from all the other men who desired him but now, he was just like them. His heart hurt so much and he hadn't slept too well, waking every 10 minutes and checking his phone... disappointed but not surprised when there were no replies. The worst thing about it was that he was dealing with two sides of the stripper, he hoped that the Tae side was the side that wanted to reach out but he knew it was Tae who purposely hid behind Vante and he would be lucky if Vante ever gave him the time of day again.

He hadn't expected for Friday to come and to feel as he did. Things had been going relatively well, given the circumstances but now he had ruined everything and he was sure that Vante wouldn't entrust him with his real self again or trust him again, full stop.

"Come in." Namjoon's voice carried through to the other side of the door where Jugkook was standing, having dragged himself to work, hoping for some positive news.

"Wow. You look like crap. Close the door, Jungkook." Namjoon was perplexed by the solemn expression on Jungkook's face.

"It was a rough night."

Namjoon's face showed concern "Take a seat. What has happened?"

"I'm a total prick, that's what has happened. Did you think about what I said about taking Blue down?"

"Of course I have thought about it but I want to know why you look the way you do, first. Do you still want to go ahead with this?"

"It's suddenly more important than ever, Joon."

"Fine. And you are a prick, why?"

Jungkook covered his face with his hands, he had promised himself that he wasn't going to break down in front of anyone but that was something else that hadn't gone to plan as tears fell into his palms.

"I needed to see him, he told me not to look for him but I did because I needed to be sure that he was alright. I was selfish! It was my own needs that I put first and now he hates me because I'm like all those other guys that treat him like a whore. I'm as low as they are because I paid for his time and now I need to set him free so he can live a life away from men like me."

Namjoon fiddled with the pen on his desk and looked at Jungkook with sympathetic eyes "You paid him for sex?"

Jungkook shook his head slowly "No. I paid for a private dance because I knew that would get me time with him alone. I just wanted to see him, I didn't mean any harm. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do and I will never forgive myself for that look in his eyes."

"You can't beat yourself up about it, Kook. You did what you thought was best and whatever the outcome I hope he will see that you had good intentions."

"He hates me. What he sees is that I bought his time and I treated him like a whore. I spent so long telling him not to refer to himself like that, telling him I didn't see him that way and then I treat him exactly like that. You didn't see the hurt in his face, Joon, that's all I see when I close my eyes." he hadn't thought it through when he handed Barney the money on the door, the details were usually so important but they'd escaped him as he was so blinkered and focused on seeing Vante.