This Damn Hat

Final author's note

Where do I even begin? This book has been one big emotional rollercoaster for me.

This book is quite different from my other books in the sense that it was more about emotions than actions. This was more about a mental battle than a physical one.

If I had to explain why I wrote this book, I would say that originally, it was one big vent. I based Russia off myself and USSR off my own mother.

I've cried multiple times when writing this because of how the situation in this story is similar to mine. My mother is a pretty shitty narcissist. She never admits her faults and blames me for all her problems if I don't do things her way.

Unlike USSR, I'm sure she'll never change no matter what. Any attempt I've made at talking to her about how I feel has always ended in me being berated. She pretty much hates my existence.

I've hurt people I once loved and I was once a narcissist myself. I don't know what caused me to change, but what I do know is that I regret acting the way I did.

I've self harmed and contemplated suicide for a few years now. This book was a way for me to express all of that.

I know there are a lot of people who have similar problems to me. It's hard to have a parent that will never know, understand or love us, but that doesn't mean nobody will.

There's also a lot of other people who think of suicide for so many different reasons. To all of you, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to be sad and you are allowed to be hurt.

It's okay to cry.

I still think of suicide and I doubt I'll ever love myself, but I'm still here, so that has to mean something, right? I'll keep on going until I can't take any more.

Remember, nobody has the right to deny your values or feelings.

Nobody can define who are you except yourself.

You are the best thing that you will ever know.

Let's stay alive for just another day, okay?

Let's do our best together.