A Court of Death and Retribution

chapter 10

I did not sleep on the damn bed.

After an hour of tossing and turning, I begrudgingly rolled off the bed and took the pillow and blanket with me.

When I woke, it was to the shock of a bright light behind my eyelids. I squinted as I adjusted to the light. Someone had opened my curtains and now the yellow glow of the sun was attacking my sight.

"Good morning Belladonna, I'm Cerridwen and this is Nuala." A female voice sounded from the far side of the room.

My eyes widened and I gasped as I took in the sight of two females that were gray and see-through. I cleared my throat, realizing that it was probably rude of me to react that way. "Sorry I just didn't expect new faces." Or a new creature.

Cerridwen smiled at me, then set down an outfit for me to wear. "Don't worry about it Belladonna, Feyre will meet you downstairs in a half hour." The two ghosts left the room for me to get ready.

Flying—right.

I suppose maybe I should give training with Rhysand another shot anyway. I could've been more patient. He also could've been more helpful.

Once I was ready to go, Feyre winnowed us to the same spot that we went to last time. She took me through some routine drills and corrected my form multiple times before my flying started to look decent. I was still way too out of shape however, and I couldn't do anything but hover in the air for a decent amount of time.

"Let's take a break. You're doing well today. The ends of your wings aren't looking too good, what happened?" Feyre passed me her water pouch and I drank from it while I considered her words.

"Hovering isn't the same as flying and I can barely fly." I decided to ignore her question as shame spread through me.

"You'll get there. Maybe you should train with Cassian and the Valkyries every other morning." Feyre washed her hands in a stream.

"Okay." The idea of exercise isn't too thrilling to me, but I need to gain weight and muscle in order to not be useless. I suppose it's why Illyrians are constantly training.

"You didn't answer my question by the way." Feyre sat down and looked up at me, then gazed down at my wings.

I sat down next to her and allowed them to fan out at the sides. Feyre was starting to grow on me. I had the Shadow male, Azriel, but he was very quiet. There was Cal, but I'm still giving him the silent treatment. Nyx seemed to be my new friend, but I can't focus around him.

Feyre I could talk to, and she would listen. I knew that even though I didn't know her. Or maybe I just wanted to believe that. Either way, I have years of pent up sadness that's just a dam waiting to burst. If I bursted here and now, I feel fairly confident that Feyre would be my anchor.

"I don't know if my father's alive or dead." Emotion rose in my throat, causing my voice to sound thick. Feyre swung her head to me but didn't say anything. She gave me her undivided attention. So I told her my story. Where I grew up and what my father did to my mother because of me. I told her how we left and how we survived. We giggled when I mentioned how my mother and I 'acquired' things.

Tears welled in her eyes and mine when I told her about that horrible day in the Autumn Court. My fingers fiddled with the onyx pendent that serves as a reminder of what I had done—of what I am capable of.

Then, I told her how I've survived the past 70 or so years. She waited and listened to everything I had to say. When I cried, she cradled me close to her and wiped my tears away. The action made me sob harder.

After I took a moment to settle my sobbing, I continued as she ran her fingers through my curly hair. "I had an awful realization that I don't know if I want to know if my father is alive or dead. If he's alive, I don't want to know if he's still looking for my mother and I. I don't want to know if he was even looking in the first place."

"And if he's dead?" Feyre asked.

"I don't want to know when he died." I sniffled and after a moment, I took a deep breath and sat up. "Thanks for listening."

Feyre gave me a warm smile that shined straight into the abyss of my heart and threatened to wash it away. "I'll always be here to listen Bella. I am so proud of you for everything you have accomplished in your life and I'm honored to know your story."

I my lips thinned into a wide smile. "I think I want to keep training with Rhysand. I know it's probably better—safer—for everyone if I could control it."

Feyre stood and took my gloved hand to help me stand as well. "We know you don't want to hurt us. That's not why we urge you to learn." Feyre looked forward into the thick woods and heaved a deep sigh. "I don't know if you know my story. To give you a summary, Tamlin and I used to be in love. After freeing Prythian of Amarantha, I died and now I have powers tied to the seven courts." I nodded in understanding. My mother would tell me the story of the Cursebreaker, I hadn't realized it was Feyre. "Well, Tamlin didn't want me to learn how to use my powers. He locked me in his house and told me that it would be too dangerous for me."

I scoffed. "But you killed the middengard wyrm."

Ferye let out a small laugh. "He's an idiot. Anyways, I know how you feel. How weird it is to have a power that you can barely control or have little knowledge of. It can make you feel..."

"Weak, helpless, scared?" I responded when she trailed off.

She nodded, then looked to me. "We are not scared of you, of your power. We want you to learn because we know how important it is to you. I'll admit at first Rhys saw it as a tool to use against the Death Lords, and it is... but after his training session he realized it was much more than that."

"Thank you." My voice was barely a whisper, but it could still be heard.

The trees rustled as a soft breeze passed through. The cool air played with my curls, brushing them back softly. I closed my eyes and allowed it to dry the rest of my tears that I hadn't bothered to wipe away. The smell of pine and dirt filled my senses, a smell that reminded me so much of the days when my mother would take me into the woods to teach me how to fly. Instead of letting the sinking feeling overwhelm me, I embraced it and accepted it.

There's nothing that will stop me from having a purpose in this life. I've made mistakes, mistakes that will haunt me until I take my last breath.

But I'll be damned if I let those mistakes tear me down and prevent me from recovering.

I will not allow myself to have fear of who I am. I will use my power for good—not to erase the bad that I've done, but to do something that will make me feel whole.

Something that will chase the abyss away.