A Court of Death and Retribution

chapter 37

A week of training with Amren had passed faster than I thought it would. It was difficult to control the tethering, but I'm sure with more practice I'll get there.

Amren had insisted that I needed to try with multiple people, so now we stood in the same forest I used to train with Rhysand in. Amren and I stood next to each other, facing around thirty Valkyries with Rhysand and Nyx for backup. They had willingly volunteered to be my test subjects, which I thought was incredible.

A month ago, Gwyn had told me that Valkyries used special techniques to calm themselves during battle. She called it mind stilling and had tried to teach me, but at the time, every calming breath I took forced me deeper into the void. There were multiple times where I would have a panic attack because of it, so I gave up.

Now, with all of these Valkyries in front of me, I knew why they didn't fear me. I knew they had used the mind stilling to become calm and fearless. I was in awe of them.

Amren turned to me. "Okay girl, take it slow and if you can't hold all of them—"

"I know, I know, back out safely." I waved a dismissive hand and took off my gloves.

Amren sighed, but didn't respond as I reached into my dark magic and pulled it forward. Then, I searched for the Valkyries' power. It emanated off of them like silk—pure and smooth. I could feel all thirty of them and my dark magic hummed in anticipation. Latching onto one of them, I let the bridge between us form. The Valkyrie didn't even flinch as that invisible tether strengthened. Taking a shaky breath, I reached for the next one and connected. Then another, and another until I was tethered to at least ten of them.

Sweat formed on my forehead as my breathing became more shaky. I couldn't hold the connections, and my magic was begging to destroy their perfect, silky, power. The dark magic tried desperately to overpower me as my eyes darkened in the corners. I've had this feeling before. When rage overtook me and the dark magic came forward on its own. In these forests or that time when I fought Cal. I knew what would happen if my eyes turned black. I would lose control and these Valkyries would be dead.

Amren was saying something next to me, but with all of the chaos stirring inside of me, I couldn't hear a damn thing. I felt numb to the world around me. The sound of the whistling wind and shuffling leaves fell away along with the faces of the people around me.

I was slipping into the void.

"Bella you are not just the darkness." Nyx's voice floated into my mind like a soft melody amongst a vicious sea of death and destruction.

His voice brought my to my senses, but I could still feel the void threatening to swallow me whole. As a last ditch effort, I unbound myself from the Valkyries and tried to pull the dark magic back into myself, but it wanted to destroy. It wanted—begged me—to explode.

So I did.

—

I came back to conciseness on the couch in the sitting room. My eyes were glued shut, but I could feel someone patting my forehead with a wet washcloth.

"She keeps pushing herself too hard." Adira grumbled from somewhere in the room.

"If we want her to be stronger, she'll have to keep pushing herself Adira." Cassian said sternly.

"How much more can she take before it's too much!? Maybe all of you can sit by and watch her destroy herself but I can't! She's my friend. She's our family and you all just want to use her as a weapon against the witches! I'm sick of everyone pretending that she's fine. I'm sick of everyone ignoring her actions. She lost her damn wings and you all threw her back into training like it was just a minor setback." Adira exploded at everyone in the room. Yelling so viciously that even I mentally flinched.

"Adira." Nesta sighed.

"No. I'm sick of this. Everyone out and don't come back until you realize what the fuck you've put her through." Adira snapped.

Footsteps slowly shuffled out of the room, a door closing behind them.

The person with the washcloth sighed—Maeve. "What if she doesn't wake up?" She sounded devastated, making my heart ache.

"She'll wake up." Cal said with confidence somewhere in the room.

"How can you be so sure? We don't even know what her magic is doing to her." Maeve replied.

A warm hand came to rest on my cheek. "Her eyes went black again." Nyx. He sounded empty.

I tugged on the bond, trying desperately to let him know that I was okay.

"Bella?" Nyx sounded shocked and relieved in my head.

"That happened when she fought Cal too." Adira grumbled.

"I'm okay Nyx. I can't move or open my eyes...but I'm okay." I replied quickly.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "It's okay to not be okay."

"Adira I agree with you—with what you said. But if the Dark Mother is coming after her, she can't be defenseless." Cal spoke with concern.

I chose to ignore Nyx's comment. Not because I disagreed, but because I wasn't really okay and I didn't want to tell him. I mean, my body is okay. I'm alive. I'm...I'm living. But I don't think I'm okay.

Despite everything I'm feeling, I need to defeat the Dark Mother. I need to break free of her control in order to be okay. Then, I'll fall apart and pick up the pieces.

"She won't be defenseless. She has us." Adira spat before exiting the room.

I felt myself start to slip into unconsciousness again, and I allowed it to happen.

—

Feyre

—

After everyone filtered out of the room, Rhys, Cassian, Azriel, Amren, Mor, and I found ourselves in the study.

Cassian and Mor plopped down on the sofa, followed by Amren, Azriel leaned against the wall, and I sat in the chair behind the desk while Rhys sat on the armrest.

"Maybe Adria's right." Mor spoke first.

Cassian sighed deeply and nodded. "We didn't give her time to grieve."

Everyone seemed to be at a loss of words. I felt angry and devastated for Bella, but maybe I shouldn't have allowed Rhys to push her. It was my own fault too.

"Nyx told us that the Dark Mother visited her again." Rhys said, switching the topic so that we wouldn't slip into our own guilt. We'd make it up to Bella. We all will, but if we linger on this topic it'll hurt more than help and Rhys knew that.

Azriel pushed off of the wall, standing up straight. "What happened?"

I sighed. "The Dark Mother wants to kill the Mother... and needs Bella's help to do it."

"She made it seem like she'll get Bella to help no matter what." Rhys wore a grim expression.

"The Dark Mother created Bella's mother. So wouldn't the Dark Mother have control over her creations? Just like the Cauldron has control over Prythian?" Mor furrowed her eyebrows in concern.

My eyes widened. "When the Cauldron...when it cracked..." I took a deep breath, trying to push the memory of what happened after away. "It started to destroy everything around it."

"Everything it created." Rhys added.

I nodded slowly. "What happens if the Mother dies?"

Everyone's expression darkened. They all knew the answer without anyone needing to say it.

If the Mother dies, so does the Cauldron...us along with it.