A Court of Death and Retribution

chapter 32

A fist swung towards my face, but I dodged and countered with a jab to the chest. Cal grunted and sent an elbow to my ribs, then another set of attacks that I blocked until I saw my opening. When I took it, I fought with rage and motivation.

My dreams have only been getting stranger and more irritating.

I didn't know what to believe, but I knew that training helped, and after a few sessions, I was steady on my feet enough to fight with Cal. I knew he was holding back, which just angered me more.

I kicked out before he could land a punch, and it sent him to the ground with a loud thud. He shot back up and sent another combination of attacks, but instead of blocking, I angled my body sideways and punched him hard in his side, then watched as he fell again.

"You have an interesting obsession with the floor, Cal." I teased, but I couldn't force even then hint of a smile on my face.

He rolled over and gave me a rueful laugh. "You're getting better Bella."

"You're holding back." I snapped.

He raised his eyebrows as he stood. "I figured—"

"Don't figure...just fucking fight." I lunged for a set of attacks and he blocked.

I kept attacking but he didn't seem to take the opportunity to strike back, I even gave him an easy target as I spun and landed another hit to his face.

"Fight Callan!" I roared as he stumbled back.

His eyes widened and he raised his hands, his palms facing me in a way to calm me down. "Bella, your eyes."

My nostrils flared. I didn't want to think about my eyes—the same ones that the Dark Mother had. As my temper rose I could feel the dark magic itching for release, but my gloves stopped it. They made me weak.

I hated my gloves.

A low growl came from the back of my throat as I stalked towards Cal, but a hand on my chest pushed me back. My head snapped to see Adira frowning at me. "Your eyes are black Bella. What in the Cauldron is going on?"

A flash of shock swept through me and calmed the bubbling rage I felt. Black?

I blinked harshly, then turned back to Cal. "I'm sorry." Before I would die from embarrassment, I marched out of the training room.

"Now look at you... you're a scarred mess. A sorry excuse for an Illyrian...You are the Dark Daughter my dearest Belladonna, and that darkness will never fade."

The darkness will never fade.

I am the Dark Daughter.

That darkness will never fade.

The world spun around me as the Dark Mother's words found themselves trapped in my head. Echoing over and over again in her awful and torturous voice.

"That darkness will never fade."

I clawed at my hair and pulled the curly strands free from my ponytail.

It will never fade.

My knees wobbled and my vision blurred as angry tears filled my eyes. I gasped for air as I fell sideways to the ground, darkness surrounding me.

"It will only grow stronger."

I curled into a ball on the ground, tucking my knees close to my chest and screamed for the voices to stop, to let me catch my breath, to give me peace and quiet.

I was suck in a void of darkness, but I wasn't dreaming this time. This was real.

A strong tug on my ribs caused me to stop screaming. Instead, I choked on my sobs. I knew it was Nyx trying to reach me, but I couldn't see anything—just the darkness and the memory of my own reflection.

Another tug and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get out of here.

I dropped my mental walls—hoping that Nyx would enter and see inside of my head. I begged him to find me in this void and take me out of it.

His black talons clawed their way through the Dark Mother's thoughts, through my memories that wouldn't fucking go away. I could feel his anger ripple through the bond at her words. Then, I saw a different darkness envelop mine and suffocate it. A starry night full of comfort surrounded me and calmed my sobbing to dull hiccups, leaving an ache in my chest from the harsh memories.

I felt strong hands lift me up before I allowed the new darkness to lull me to sleep.

—

"How about a card game? I promise I won't cheat." Maeve shot me a wink, trying to get any reaction out of me.

I felt numb.

"We could go run up and down a mountain?" Adira suggested.

Nothing.

"How about we spend an obnoxious amount of money on jewelry and clothes?" Cal smiled at me, and I tried so hard to reach for my own smile, but it came out too forced.

Nyx sighed and ran a hand through my hair. We sat in a sitting room in the House of Wind. I was tucked under his arm on one of the sofas while Adira, Maeve, and Cal stood in front of me. Feyre, Nesta, and Cassian stood against the wall.

I didn't feel weak around them. They were my friends, they were trying to help me...and I wanted to be helped. I wanted all of my pain to just disappear and I wanted to smile and laugh. I wanted to watch Maeve and Adira fight over a card game and I wanted Cal and I to wreak havoc on Velaris. I wanted Nyx to hold me close and kiss me and make me laugh.

But no matter how hard I tried to be myself, the Dark Mother's words kept dragging me back down.

"Everyone out." Nyx said, his voice soft but commanding. They listened, and then it was just the two of us. I sighed and leaned into him as he continued to run a hand through my hair. "Talk to me." He whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

"I..." My voice was raw. I cleared my throat and started again. "I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I just want to be happy." I broke out in tears as Nyx held me tighter to him, then pulled me into his lap.

"You don't have to do it alone Bella. What she said about you isn't set in stone, and it sure as hell isn't true. You are not weak because of what the witches did to you. You are not just darkness." Nyx cupped my jaw and brushed the tears away with his thumb.

"She looks like me." I sobbed harder into his chest.

"But she isn't you, and she has no say over who you choose to become." Nyx kissed the top of my head again, and his words caused a crack to form so deep within me that I thought I would break. It was a good feeling—to have the darkness disrupted even for a moment.

"I want to be happy." I angled my face to rest against his neck, closing my eyes and feeling the warmth of his skin against my cold forehead.

Nyx stood with me in his arms and winnowed to the balcony, then flew down to Velaris. I didn't know where he was taking me, but I trusted him. When he landed, the soft lure of a violin floated to my ears. "Nobody can see us. It's just you and me." He whispered as he lowered me to the ground and pulled me into his chest, hugging me tight and gently swaying me back and forth to the music.

The crack widened until it exploded with light. I rested my forehead against his chest and breathed as he kept our bodies moving in slow circles.

We stayed like that all night even after the violin left. When it did, he showed me my own memories that he found when I allowed him past my mental walls. In all of them I was smiling at the street musicians as they played me their songs. I smiled because it was the only currency I had for them. They saved me too many times to count, and Nyx showed me every single time in my head until the sun rose over the mountains and Fae flooded the streets of Velaris.

When my memories ran out, he hummed me my favorite melodies and just held me, letting me feel peace and calm.

"I love you." I whispered into his chest after hours of silence.

He kissed the top of my head. "I love you too Bella."