When I'm Gone ( Nate Maloley AU)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Authors Note: there is a trigger warning for self harm in this chapter. Skip that part when it comes, don't cut if you do, please -Dani

Hayden's POV:

I'd forgotten what feeling insignificant was like. I had believed that people finally cared. The world sucks and I can't escape. Cameron thinks I don't hate myself. He told Sam days after what Nate did that we were together. He had known. I look at Nate. It was hard keeping him away from me, when they know I can't go home.

Breaking what he promised, Nate walks over. Standing in front of me.

"I really hate you right now," he says, "Because you think you're always the victim."

"This time I am. It's okay, though, I hate me, too. I hope your dreams come true, though Nate," tears build in my eyes; we're alone which makes this worse, "I'm not gonna hold a grudge like I want to. Just know i won't go to the shows, not even to support the others."

"Don't walk away from me, Hayden!" He grabs my wrist.

I pull away.

"Nate, I never want to see you again. Touch me again and I'll file for a restraining order."

"No you won't," he smirks, "because then I can't be with Sam."

The others walk through the door and Gilinsky pulls him away. I just want to go home and not be watched by them. I move past them, and Cameron looks at me.

"I'll be fine," I promise.

He nods and I go to my room. Shutting the door and walking in the bathroom, shutting the door. The small piece of metal sits just a foot from me on the edge of the sink. I can't do that. I can't let them down. I bow my head.

I hate you

Tears burn my vision. I never thought I'd care. I shouldn't care. But to hear him say those words just broke my heart. A month ago we kissed in the rain. A month ago I gave him my heart and he still has a hold on it. Why does Cameron even care about me? I'm broken, and I can't be fixed. So why does he try?

I grab the small silver metallic blade and hold it. Looking at it. This used to be my release. A way for me to get away from reality.

"I'm sorry, Cam," I whisper and make deep slashes against my arm. But not deep enough for stitches.

Cameron's POV:

He needed to know she was okay. Cameron saw she wasn't in her room, and fear filled him. Cameron quickly opened the bathroom door and saw her holding a bunch of paper towel over her arms, and the bloody blade next to her.

"Cam-"

"It's okay, it's fine."

He picked it up with a piece of paper towel and flushed it. Cameron sat next to her and moved her hand. So he could apply the pressure needed.

"Do you hate me?"

"No, I don't, baby. Everything will be okay. Apply pressure and let me clean you arm."

She nods and let's him stand to get what he needed. He got gauze, an ace bandage, and hydrogen peroxide. He moved her hand and laid some paper towel under her arm.

The cuts were deep. It was too late for stitches though. He pours the liquid over her arm and she bites her lip.

"I'm sorry," he says.

After he dries her arm he tapes gauze onto her arm, and wraps the bandage around her arm. She won't look at him.

"Cam I can't do this," she says quietly.

"What?"

"Us. I'm gonna hurt you more than Nate hurt me. I'm so damaged, I hate myself. If I can't love myself, how can you love me?"

He knew she thought she was right.

"Look at me."

Hayden raises her head and looks at him. His caring gaze.

"What he did won't keep me away, Hayden. I can't fix you, I know that. But I love you, Hayden. I truly love you. I won't give up on you."

"You promise?"

He nods and kisses her forehead before getting her up and having her put on a sweatshirt and jeans. No one will know.

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to sleep this pain away," she whispers.

He nods and let's her climb into bed, before he joins her. She cuddles into him and falls asleep quickly.

•••

"He left a few hours ago," Sam informs Cameron.

"She hates herself, Sam. More than anything. We need to send her home. Nate won't stop breaking her down."

"I can't let her be alone. I love Hayden to death, and I can't lose her to Nate's behavior."

Cameron looks at her curled in a ball beside her.

"You love her, don't you, Cam?"

He smiles, "Yeah. I do, Sam."

"She doesn't trust me, you know. My mom left me when we were younger and I pushed her away. I put her through hell, I beat her up. Ignored her. She tried. Her mom pushed her away after her dad left, she raised herself. I hated that her mom married my dad. They left us alone for weeks on end. She'd stay locked in her room knowing I didn't want her around. Cameron you need to promise me, no matter what she does you don't leave."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he says.

"Johnson was the only one who really stayed with her."

Cameron looks down at her, tears have stained her face. She shivers slightly. Cameron pulls the covers up.

"Sam. This hurts, but send her home. You have maids in the house. Have them watch her. She can't be here."

"You're gonna hurt her."

"She wants to go home."

He sees her look at him.

"Cameron," she says.

"It'll be okay, Hayden. I'll stay with you for a few weeks out there."

Sam looks at the two.

"I'll call dad."

•••

Hayden's POV:

Nate saw me off. Cameron has to go back in two weeks. Mom and dad are gone. I still want to sleep.

"You want to go out?" Cameron asks.

"Not really, Cameron."

"You can't sleep all day."

"What did you have in mind?" I give in.

"A fancy restaurant. A date maybe."

I look at my arm. He pulls out a long sleeve dress that covers the bandage. I nod. Maybe this can work. Maybe I might feel accepted again.