Forgiveness

IV. Memories from the past

A/N: Hi, author here! I'm so glad you are enjoying the story and thank you for all of the support. This part is a little bit longer I think. I'd like to apologize that I probably won't be able to post the next few days but we have holidays here and I'll be busy. Love you all <3

4.1. Together again

I had to go to see Zemo because earlier during the week I had gotten mail from the prison he was being kept at. Apparently he asked to see me. Usually they wouldn't allow anyone to visit him but since I already had once they agreed. I took a plane to Germany and then a train to the prison.

Taking a deep breath I walked inside the building. Last time I came here was just a few months ago. Since then Zemo and I hadn't talked and I hadn't been back to see him, but on our last meeting a lot happened.

We talked for a very long time about everything that's happened between us and I don't really think we had resolved all of our issues. There was still a lot to go through. I didn't tell him I had had feelings for him in Sokovia and he didn't say how he found out about me being an Avenger. I was still...angry and betrayed and he still couldn't fully get over the fact I had a part in the Sokovia destruction and had lied to him.

However we both agreed we should try to understand the other person. We both admitted we weren't indifferent to each other, but our other feelings and opinions were holding that back. Still he claimed that he never would have hurt me, and I replied saying I never wanted to do that as well.

Since then I had tried to understand him, to see things from his perspective and I could feel his pain, understand his anger, but I could never understand his revenge and the way he had acted it out, I was having an internal conflict about it every day, and so I couldn't go back to see him. It hurt too much to remember everything.

I follow a guard to Zemo's cell and sit at the chair that's been placed outside it, waiting for him to speak.

"Hey. I'm glad you came."

"Hi." My response is short and quiet. Zemo comes out of the shadow of his containment and gives me a smile. Not being able to stop myself I smile back. I couldn't help but miss talking to him, like we used to in Sokovia. Or how we did a few months ago. "Why did you want to see me?"

I decide to get straight to the point, not really wanting to reminiscence about the past. My thoughts were consumed with worry about Bucky and Sam.

"Did you miss me?" His question catches me off guard. What was he trying to do?

"I'm sorry?" Zemo chuckles at my startled expression.

"I asked you a question." Rolling my eyes I take a better look at Zemo. He looked different. It seemed like something in his mindset had changed. I couldn't explain it.

"I asked you first." Zemo lets out a laugh and it makes me grin. However he doesn't seem to want to respond to me either so I stand up to leave. "Zemo if you are just going to waste my time I'm going."

"Do you remember? 5 months ago." Stopping right at the door I turn around to look at Zemo. "I was free thanks to you. And soon enough your buddies will come see me because they're desperate. I will have my freedom again."

"What do you want from me, Helmut?" Zemo looks surprised to be called by his first name and to be honest so am I. Even in Sokovia I usually called him Zemo. It just slipped out and for some reason made me anxious.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." Something in his tone makes me sad and I frown. It reminded me of our fight in Sokovia. I had done enough then and perhaps still I couldn't do more.

"Look...As I said back then I have told you everything I think and feel last time we saw each other." Zemo nods as he looks me up and down, making me feel nervous.

"You're wearing it." I look down at my hand and for a few moments stare at the ring on my right index finger.

"Zemo -"

"I just wanted to see you. That's all." Kind of surprisingly he actually answered my first question. I look him in the eyes, trying to read his expression, as if searching for something else. Something he wasn't telling me.

"Well I'm here."

"That you are." We stay quiet for a few moments, studying each other's faces. Suddenly he continues speaking. "Do you remember when I got thrown out of that bar in Riga?" I can't help but chuckle at the memory even if what followed after it I wasn't fond of.

"Yeah. Yeah I do. You were quite violent." Zemo shrugs.

"Well that guy was being rude to you what was I supposed to do, princess?" The nickname annoys me suddenly reminding me of when he last called me that. What the hell was I doing here anyways? Zemo had to decide once and for all whether he still hates me or he doesn't hate me at all because this back and forth is annoying.

"Listen, I have to go." Before I leave Zemo speaks up again.

"See you soon."

"Yeah you won't. I can't just keep coming here expecting something different than you toying with me." Not waiting for a response I just walk out of the room and follow the prison guard out...

On the plane back home I start thinking about everything Zemo said. Why did he have to be so frustrating? Asking me if I miss him and if I remember our last meeting. What was that supposed to mean? Yeah I did miss him, so what. It's not like he was ready to listen to what I had to say last time I tried to explain my point of view, so what was the point. I did remember, of course I did, it's not like I couldn't stop thinking about it.

And him mentioning the ring. Like he has any right to, that ring meant nothing to him even if he was the one who got it for me. Maybe I should've thrown it away. It was just a toy in his twisted game. I had tried to forget about him after everything that's happened but I just couldn't get him out of my mind. He was irreversibly stuck there and he wasn't getting out.

The guilt and shame of still caring about him was constantly on the brink of suffocating me. Our conversations never went anywhere (even if they hadn't been that many since his imprisonment) and I hated it.

Not being able to control my own thoughts my mind travels back to 5 months ago...