Eliza
All day Monday I sulked over August's song but played it on repeat. I continuously checked if my listening history was on private to ensure if August still followed, she wouldn't see me listening to her. It was painful to listen, but I just couldn't stop myself. It wasn't that the song was good, which it was, it was that I couldn't let her go. Hearing her voice echo in my earbuds just made me think she was here sitting with me, throwing her head back and laughing. Hearing her sing about our breakup made it worse. And better. It caused the reality to sink in deeper. But hearing her voice counteracted that reality.
I needed to stop.
At school I had been so caught up in the music that I realized all day I was sulking and not interacting with everyone. At lunch I sat alone in the library rather than sitting with the crew at lunch. I had been hunched in a corner reading an August fanfic needing to just pretend I was still with her. Reading the fanfic made it worse, as I just craved her presence and touch more. I was also avoiding James because I had slept with Miles two fucking times and could not face her without my face glowing red. Perri and Wren had been spamming my phone all lunch, but I had been too engaged in the fanfiction to respond, they ended up looking for me but failed because who would've guessed I would be in the library? After school Arson had hit me up to talk in an effort to get my mind off of August. While sitting at the lighthouse we got high, and I babbled on about August for hours. Fuck. We broke up a month ago why am I so caught up on her? Arson thought it was the lack of closure. I agreed. To get my mind off August, he told me the details on Li and Arson, I was waiting for them to make something official or at least go on a real date. Nothing happened.
On Tuesday, the cycle continued. Miles tried talking to me by my locker about August and the song which gifted him me sulking all day around him. Every time I talked to him or Arson the ranting about August just got passed back and forth. When I got home on Tuesday, I turned off all the lights in my room and stared at the ceiling with her entire discography ringing in my ears. Now, 3 hours later, I stared at myself in the mirror as I finally decided to apply the lipstick, she had left in the drawstring bag. It was crimson and thick when coating my lips. I looked in the mirror, my face looked a little weird with just the lipstick and no other makeup. But when I opened the bottle, I had been overwhelmed with the smell of August's lips. And when I licked my lips, I tasted hers. I picked up the deodorant and drowned my underarms in that scent. I needed help. I just wanted some help. And Arson and Miles were not doing that for me. I thought about what to do. What I needed was some advice or just a hug at this point. I needed Wren. I needed James. We used to constantly talk about our stupid problems, and it was so therapeutic. I haven't been hanging with girls enough lately. Especially after August left me. But I couldn't talk to James, and I couldn't talk to Wren because of what I did to James. Fuck.
I decided to rip the bandage off and just try and talk to Wren at least. She used to always give me unsolicited advice and I'm sure she would be able to give me advice on something I actually needed. I would have to make up a lie because she couldn't know about August. Now that we were broken up, she could. But I didn't want her to be hurt from me keeping this secret for a year and a half.
...
I knocked on Wren's door and waited impatiently for her to open it. And hopefully embrace me. The door opens and Wren stands there in her flannel pyjama pants and brown tube top. Her eyebrows furrowed when her eyes landed on me.
"Eliza?" She said but didn't elaborate.
"Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out for a little? Or are free to?" I awkwardly shrugged with my hands in my pockets. I felt so awkward being here. We had worked things out, but that felt mandatory and felt as if it had only been done to keep the group together.
