Break My Heart (Mew x Gulf)

Chapter 38: Only Fooling Himself (M)

It was stupid, wasn't it? To care about what you looked like when you're only going to hang out with your friends, in the park nonetheless. Not some fancy over-priced restaurant that doesn't live up to its name, no, just a park.

It was utterly stupid, and yet that's what Mew was doing, fussing over what to wear to his own birthday celebration.

He damned the boy that had him feeling this way, had him doubting his own sound decisions just because. In the back of his mind, albeit he'd never admit it, he knew he wanted to catch a certain pair of eyes, charming their host in the prosses as well of course.

And he damned himself for it.

He couldn't even properly remember the last time he'd acted this way, when someone had managed to capture him in such a way.

The feeling in his gut had him feeling nauseous whenever it appeared. He hated it, everything that was changing within him. It felt like he no longer had control over himself, a foreign entity having made home in his being without his consent.

Mutiny.

He was in an internal battle against himself, fighting a war he'd been at for years, acclaimed rationality against the morals of the beating muscle he'd tried to ignore for so many years. He wanted it to stop, favouritism not in his favour, he feared he was fighting for the losing side for an almost impossible victory.

It would be weak and foolish of him to give in, not when he knew where the road his heart wished for him to take lead; a dark, scary path that always had one to many surprise bumps down it.

But wouldn't it be worth it? Especially with what came at the end of the journey...

He dismissed the thought. He wasn't going to fall for life's bewitching tricks again.

Deciding to just go with his current choice of clothing he begins folding and packing away the clothes he'd tossed to the side after finding them unsatisfactory, making sure to get them as perfectly folded as possible.

Once done and satisfied he grabs his things, deciding it was time to head out. He wasn't going to think about whatever the fuck was going on with him, tonight was going to be about having fun, not getting hung up on some stupid emotion that he wanted nothing to do with and he'd be damned if he let it bring him down.

Heading out the dorm he makes sure he hasn't forgotten anything before getting to his car.

It was strange, by the time he'd made it to his car he barely remembered the walk he'd taken to get there, his mind somewhere else completely. And the same thing happened with the drive to the park, he couldn't really remember it, his body had been doing one thing while his mind was occupied with another.

Getting out his car he takes a moment to look himself over, straightening out his clothes slightly before deeming himself worthy to go meet up with his friends, he hadn't even been consciously aware of the whole action.

For some reason he prolonged his walk to meet up with the rest of the group, his strides not as big as they usually would be and his pace slower than normal.

Nervous.

He could feel it bubbling up inside of himself, he was nervous. His hands were clammy and he could hear every beat of his obscured muscle in his ears.

Upon approaching the group's usual spot he could hear his friends obnoxious laughter, loud cheers and high-pitched voices and it made him smile. Kao and Tong were no doubt already tipsy, neither of them being able to hold their liquor properly. The other's were also most likely at least slightly buzzed.