Break My Heart (Mew x Gulf)

Chapter 18: Crushes In Memory Lane

Twenty first century rock music plays in Mew's ears as he goes for a jog around the campus, breath laboured, the shorts and tee he sports sway and ripple in the wind as he moves, he keeps his posture as straight as he can as well as his direction.

This sort of activity wasn't something he did particularly often or at all really, but it was good for the human body to get some action every now and then.

And as much as he wished, sex wasn't really going to help in that department. It may be a draining, tiring, but it's not the same as going outside and jogging, or running, walking. It's good for sweating the hormones and desires out, and it's just fun in general to do, but it's not like what he's doing now.

Exercise is demanding, limit pushing and doesn't leave you wanting more once you're done like sex does, but it's rewarding and keeps you on your toes.

Blink 182's 2016 album plays from his earphones, the loud energizing adrenaline infusing feel it gives pushes him to go harder and continue to move on his feet.

The bass and drums used in the composition of the songs sparks a rush in him and drives him to go faster.

He knows he doesn't need to run or rush things, but it's just that the music boosts him into doing it. And truthfully, it feels great. Reminds him of the time back in 4th grade were he took up track and field, he was fast, though never thought to pursue it and make a career out of it. It and music were something he used to help deal with his problems.

If he were confused or going through the motions and had too many things going through his mind, he'd do the same thing he was doing now, he'd go for laps around his naighbourhood, jogs, just to clear his head.

It was also around that time where he'd started to really think about his sexuality, and it was honestly a ruff time for him, a confusing time. There wasn't a single day that went by that he wasn't thinking about it, it was like his own self was keeping him in suspense as he waited for the answer.

He went through so many different phases and every time he'd thought he'd come to a conclusion he found it to be wrong, it just never felt right.

In the beginning he thought he was maybe bi or pan, but that didn't feel right, so then he thought maybe asexual or demisexual, but that didn't feel right either.

Eventually the whole thing started tearing him apart, and he became emotionally unstable and the topic or even thought about the subjects became a trigger for him. And it was not something he should've or anyone of that age should have had to deal with. He'd created this self-inflicted issue that was slowly bringing him to his own demise.

But as grade five was starting to come to an end, which meant sixth grade would be rolling around, realisation suddenly struck him.

He was walking home the one September afternoon, when he suddenly realised that he didn't need to put a label on what or who he was, he didn't need to put a name to it. Yes it would've been nice, but he didn't need to. He just needed to be himself. He had all the time in the world to figure out who he was and there was no need to rush anything.

Although after that it wasn't like everything suddenly became better and he stopped thinking about it. Yes he did feel so much better, and it did help him, his anxiety and stress levels did go down, and he was less triggered by the topic, it just never fully went away.

And for the next few months he started to portray himself in the way he wanted to, he started to embrace his emotions and feelings and just become more of who he felt like he was, he let himself act and talk like how he wanted. He even asked his mom to take him shopping because he just felt the need to.