Different Sides To The Same Story

Chapter fourteen - Jason Dalton

   "I love you." She tells me, staring at me with her bright blue eyes.

I can't help the smile that comes from her words, "I love you too." I tell her.

There's a minute where she just stares at me and I just stare at her before she leans in again, kissing me slowly. I slide my hands around to her the small of her back, pulling her against me.

I've been with many people. Many. But nothing's ever felt this good. When I was with other girls it's nothing but sex and a hangover later. But this time there's feeling, I know she loves me and I know I love her.

There's one problem with where this is going. I wouldn't mind sleeping with Lily, not one fucking bit. But I'm pretty certain from my experience that I'd have to take my shirt off for that. Meaning Lil would see my scars, meaning she'd know I'm messed up.

I can't tell her, at least not yet. I break the kiss leaning away and avoiding her attempt to reconnect our lips, "What's wrong?" Lily asks, breathing heavily.

"I don't think we should go any farther." I tell her, trying to control my heart rate.

She falls back, leaning down on her heels and pulling almost out of my grasp. The only way we're connected is my hands on her waist and hers around my neck. "Why?" She asks, not hiding the hurt on her face, or at least not well.

"I just," I squeeze her waist when her eyes fall to the floor in an attempt to regain her attention, "I love you, and I want our first time-your first time- to be special." I half lie, I don't not want it to be special, it's just not the top reason I don't want to know.

"How'd you know I'm a virgin?" She asks.

I smile a little, "It's a gift." I tease, as a small blush covers her face. "You wanna stay over? We could hang out, order some food for dinner." I offer.

"Yeah sure." she answers, her hands unhooking from my neck and sliding down by her sides as I release her waist. She starts walking down the hall, having been in my house a few times. She sits down on my couch, grabbing the tv remote, "What do you wanna watch?" She asks, as I sit down next to her.

"I don't know, you choose, I'm gonna go get a smoke." I tell her. Smoking's better than cutting, while trying to get clean I smoke almost two times as often as I do normally.

She squints, "Are you stressed about something." Shit this girl knows too much about me.

"Not really." I lie. I am stressed, stressed about how I'm only half a day clean and all I can think about is the blade sitting below the floorboards.

"You can talk to me about it if you want." She offers.

I'm torn, one way I could tell her and get it over with, the other way I could procrastinate like I always do. "I'm fine, just fidgety." I lie.

"Okay." She says, sounding unsure.

I walk out to the back deck, leaning over the railing as I strike my lighter, putting it to the tip of my cigarette. I inhale deeply, letting the smoke go. How do I even tell her? She basically called everyone who cuts mentally ill.

Don't get me wrong, I don't deny the fact that I'm mentally ill. I just don't tell anyone. Anyone including my mom and sister. I don't go around publicizing the fact I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

---

"Thanks man." I tell the pizza delivery guy, taking the box from him. I turn back into my house after closing the front door, "Who wants pizza?" I question, heading towards my room where I left Lily.

She doesn't answer, so I push open the door. She kneels over the floorboard next to my bed. In her hand she holds a small blade. My heart stops as I drop the pizza.

"What're you doing?" I choke out, feeling my throat tighten.

"I felt the floorboard squeak." She tells me, finally glancing up from the blade, "What is this?" She asks.

"It's nothing." I tell her, not meeting her eyes.

She stands up, putting the blade down on my nightstand. "You can tell me, Jace." She assures me.

"Um, I just feel alone and empty a lot of the time." I tell her truthfully, pushing down the tears that brim my eyes.

"Okay..." She trails, pursing her lips.

She walks a few steps closer to me, "Whatever it doesn't matter, you'll leave me anyways." I mutter, turning and walking from my room.

"What're you talking about?" She asks, confused as she follows me into the kitchen. I ignore her as I pull out a second cigarette not even bothering to exit the house as I grab my lighter. Lily interjects, taking the cigarette from my hand, "Stop that." She says loudly, "Just talk to me." She tells me, her voice cracking a bit.

"Why would someone like you be with someone like me?" I ask, some tears streaming down my cheek.

"Because I fucking love you." She tells me.

I shake my head, "You're beautiful, you're smart, kind and strong. Okay? The opposite of me, I'm weak, stupid and fucking broken." I blurt, using my hands to gesture.

"You're an amazing person, Jace, inside and out."

"No, no I'm not, I can't feel anymore, I don't feel anything anymore-" I tell her, cutting myself off.

She holds my hands, "It's okay, you can tell me."

"I'm really fucked up Lily. I-I have BPD." I tell her, her being the first person I've told.

She blinks, trying to hide her worry and confusion, "How do you know that?" She asks, her voice showing how scared of the disorder she is.

"I could tell something wasn't right in my head. So the day I turned eighteen, about six months ago, I went and talked to a psychiatrist. She told me the emptiness I feel is a side effect of having borderline personality disorder. She gave me meds, that helped with the moodswings and the anger but did nothing for the numbness. I felt so fucking pathetic going back to her and saying that what works for other people doesn't work for me. So I didn't." I confess. I feel better for a moment, before it set in what I told her.

"Wow okay." She mutters, looking down. "First of all nothing's wrong with you. It's not your fault you're mentally ill." She tells me, as I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"What about what you said about people that self harm? You said they're fucked up, and they are, I am." I choke out.

She shakes her head, "I was ignorante, I have never been around some who did...that, so I didn't understand. I'm so sorry." She tells me, truthfully

"So you don't wanna stop seeing me?" I question, looking at the floor and preparing for her answer.

A look of shock comes over her face, "What? Of course not, I love you, all of you." She says, pulling me into a tight hug.