Behind Closed Doors

1. Grief

February 2016.

"I'm about to drive in the ocean.
I'm gon' try to swim from somethin,
Bigger than me."
-"Swim Good" by Frank Ocean

***

Grief.
There's supposedly five phases.

1. Denial.
Or as Zayn had experienced it, distraction. Never letting himself sink down the dark abyss that was his own pain from the relationships he'd killed in his pursuit of happiness.
When he felt anything too strong (guilt, regret, hurt) he would turn to distractions like marijuana, sex, or his career. He wasn't ready to have that conversation with himself, fearing he wouldn't like what he discovered.

Distraction was important in the beginning so that Zayn could put time and space between himself and the band. Whenever he began to get that familiar ache for HIM, his former lover/band-mate, Zayn had to find ways to distract himself.
Sleep was the worst because his true feelings and pain, which were kept quiet in his subconscious by day, were unlocked come nightfall. This led Zayn to rely on recreational and prescription drugs to knock him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

2. Anger.
An emotion which came naturally to Zayn after he'd made the decision to leave the boy band, One Direction in March, 2015.
Hell! He was angry before he'd even left. In those early 2015 days, It was as if his mind was protecting him from the inevitable grief he would suffer when leaving by allowing him to feel an overwhelming amount of anger towards any band-related work. Anger allowed him to feel as though he was in the right.
The resentment grew and slowly seeped into all areas of his life. Zayn had been pissed at the label, pissed at the crew, pissed about performing, pissed at the interviewers and their loaded questions, pissed at his band mates for not understanding his anger, pissed at his family if they tried to give him advice, and even pissed at his then-fiancé, Perrie Edwards, for ever coming into his life. He blamed her for his failed attempts at love and the pain he felt forced to inflict upon his other real lover. The one who was once his only solace in the midst of all the madness.
But when the anger had subsided, Zayn fell to weighing his options and bargaining for his life's path.

3. Bargaining.
Zayn had heard many people say that fame and fortune always came with a price. There once was an old understanding amongst kings and queens that the life of a ruler came with great sacrifice. True bliss was left only for the Gods, and by asking for too much, they tempted their fate.

But Zayn was a man who always wanted too much. He preferred to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted to make his own music AND keep his 4 mates alongside him. He wanted to be with Perrie AND keep his lover as his own to avoid disappointment from his family and fans if they were to find out he was actually in love with another male. He wanted all of his greatest pleasures without consequence. Was that so wrong?? Was he tempting his own fate?

Zayn felt his hard work and laborious hours of PR were enough to deal with. Why couldn't that be his sacrifice? -A simple life. Zayn hadn't wanted to be famous it just happened. He'd already given up so much of his privacy for the sake of the media.
Instead, Zayn found himself forced to decide between his best mates, guaranteed success and the support that came along with it. After all, Zayn did hate to be the center of attention and being in a band helped him remain elusive. VS
His own personal freedom in his music career. Writing his own lyrics, scheduling his own interviews, being his own brand.

Both held their share of sacrifice leaving Zayn stunned to discover his mental health didn't improve as much as he'd expected it to just by leaving One Direction.
Sure, he felt an immense amount of satisfaction to create the music that he wanted for the first time in his career. It was an amazing freedom he had been lacking for many years. Yet, once that initial honeymoon phase wore off, he realized just how much he'd given up in the process. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing per-say, it was just a shitty thing. Realizing he can't have it all.