Behind Closed Doors

30. The First Z-List

August 2012

After finishing up the tour, the boys finally had an extended break. The "break" was from touring, specifically. "The second album isn't going to record itself," they were frequently reminded any time one of them began to complain about the workload. Zayn was still quite happy to even be in the band, experiencing all that they did while traveling the globe. Therefore, he kept his reservations towards their music to himself. Hopefully he could find a song or two to connect with in some way and feel passionate about whenever they toured next.

Following he and Harry's confessions-gone-wrong, being around Harry every day was easier than expected. He'd been nervous about how Harry would treat him but of course, Harry handled it with grace. The two of them were more distant than normal since Zayn wanted to give Harry the space he needed and Harry seemed to enjoy said space. However, they still remained friendly towards one another.

It wasn't ideal by any means. Zayn had just realized the feelings he had towards Harry and was now having to pretend they never existed. Knowing Harry had confessed more played a large role in Zayn's ability to act normal towards him. As time passed, things between them became easier and friendlier, almost to the point of being proper lads.

Almost.

There were still times Zayn caught Harry watching him intently and vice versa. Zayn still made Harry blush each time he threw him a compliment while Zayn continued reminiscing over the feel of Harrys skin beneath his fingertips. Unfortunately for their friendship, there was no way of taking back all they'd done together behind closed doors, which left Zayn to yearn in private.

His relationship with Perrie, on the other hand, was beginning to intensify. He'd finally taken her to meet his family and he met hers, properly this time. She was the person he found himself spending the most time with after their tour had ended. Recently, they'd begun saying, "I love you," to one another and Zayn knew she really was in love with him. He loved her but often pondered the notion of being in love. Sure, there were times he craved being around her and he found himself bringing her up to others when it related to the conversation but being "in love," remained a mystery to Zayn. How was he to know if he was or wasn't?

Then there was their sex life. Zayn enjoyed sex, period. But Perrie wasn't just some random bird, she was Zayn's girlfriend who he loved. So why hadn't his feelings towards their sex life changed? He was sure after they said, "I love you," that the sex would be heightened but it wasn't. Perhaps he was too in his head about it. Instead of thinking about it, Zayn chose to ignore it. He ignored the fact that it felt like a chore. He ignored the times he finished yet still felt unsatisfied. He ignored his inkling that perhaps they weren't meant to be together romantically. Most importantly, Zayn ignored that he missed Harry and sometimes found himself wishing Haz were there instead when he'd wake up next to Perrie.

After kissing Perrie goodbye one August morning, Zayn found himself writing down music suggestions for Harry. They hadn't exchanged music in nearly two months, ever since their confessions. In fact, Zayn hadn't even given Harry a list after listening to the mixtape made for him. Therefore, it was long overdue and seemed to put Zayn's wandering heart at ease as he sat down to write it.

He chose to start it off rather boldly with, Don't Be Stupid (You Know I Love You) by Shania Twain. Then, Missin You by Trey Songz, Big Girls Don't Cry by Frankie Valli and Best Friends, Right? By Amy Winehouse. In the middle, Zayn put an older Urdu song called Sayonee by Junoon. The lyrics were mainly just repeating he isn't at peace but addressing it to a soulmate, hoping they will help him feel better and answer questions on his mind.

The second half of the list had Paranoid by Kanye West, One of the Boys by Katy Perry (even though he was sure Harry had the song already). Eighth was What About Your Friends? By TLC, followed by a more romantic remix, Come and Talk to Me by Jodeci. Last but not least, I'm Real by J-Lo. Almost all of the songs were older ones Zayn had listened to many times. His reason for creating the list was the same Harry's had been months ago, to tell a story and get a message across. As wrong as it was, Zayn missed Harry. He missed kissing him and touching him and just wanted it all again. At the very least, he hoped to provide Harry with some comfort, knowing he wasn't completely alone in his feelings. Though Zayn knew nothing of love, he did have feelings for Harry and that should count for something, right? He only hoped it wouldn't blow up in his face.