Behind Closed Doors

13. Perrie

December 2011

The boys were about to begin their first solo tour. It would be a total of 54 shows and last until July. Harry and Zayn continued to steal moments but they were few and far between. They were so scared of getting caught that they only ever "hooked up" when privacy was guaranteed. Most times they only found time for a steamy make out session. On a few occasions they fit in some groping action but nothing more.

Zayn and Harry hadn't talked much about specifics or what they wanted out of their new sexual relationship. Zayn didn't even like to think about it too much as it caused him to become extremely anxious. As far as he knew, this thing between the two of them wasn't serious or motivated by romance. It was purely physical.

Despite Zayn being a relatively open minded lad, especially for his age, the idea of having romantic feelings towards Harry or any man wasn't even an option on the table to him. His mind was so closed off to the idea that it wasn't even a possibility. It's not that he had any reservations towards the LGBTQ community. Sure, he was taught it was a sin but his religion was never something he held dear to him. The more he developed as a young man, the less he identified with his dads beliefs. Zayn was simply closed off to the idea of he, himself preferring anything other than women when it came to romantic partners. It was a notion he had yet to face head on.

That is why it came as a relief to Zayn when he learned that Harry was still seeing his older girlfriend, Caroline. It allowed Zayn to remain as he always had been and didn't feel guilty or confused about hooking up with girls. Zayn was still attracted to females and had every intention to one day be in a committed relationship, if the right girl were to come along.

He felt free in a way. There was no responsibility on his end to keep Harry in the loop. It remained fun and exciting for the both of them as they kept their sexual relationship free from deeper emotional feelings.

Hooking up with another guy was new for the both of them and it was comforting to know he wasn't alone in his exploration of that side of himself. Every secret moment shared with Harry was new and exciting. Neither of them were experienced in the logistics of male-on-male action but they figured it out together, slowly learning what turns the other on. Harry seemed to enjoy playing the submissive role while Zayn found it invigorating to dominate a person who could easily overpower him. Harry was younger, but physique-wise he was only just reaching his peak. Zayn knew Harry had a couple more inches to grow and watched as the lad became less flab and more muscle. Knowing Harry already matched him in size and was getting stronger by the day gave Zayn an incredible high: to have Harry Styles submit to Zayn and look at him as though he would do anything asked of him...... it was a powerful feeling.

When Zayn was with Harry it wasn't like being with a girl, for obvious reasons but also just the feeling each gave him. When Zayn began hooking up with a girl he knew what to do and where it would lead to: sex. Sex was the motivating factor in those situations and foreplay was simply a means to get there. That wasn't the case at all with Harry. Zayn hadn't ever thought about sex with Harry, it seemed too taboo at the moment. He felt that if they crossed that line he would have no choice but to change his entire identity.

Therefore he enjoyed all the things they did that would normally be considered foreplay. He enjoyed kissing Harry, teasing him and sucking his soft skin. Zayn loved grinding his pelvis against Harrys and loved when they used only their hands to get one another to completion. Zayn was savoring every little detail with Harry, the same ones he had a tendency to dread when trying to bed a female.

Through it all, Harry and Zayn grew closer. The awkward sexual tension was now replaced with a deeper understanding of one another. Each of them became one another's closest confidant. It left Zayn feeling as though Harry was some sort of angel or blessing sent from the heavens upon his life. Zayn was sure no one else would understand the situation or handle it like Harry did. Harry was so calm and cool about everything, matching Zayn's exact outlook on it all. If it had happened with anyone else, Zayn was sure things would be far more difficult to navigate and there would be unneeded pressure, whether it involved feelings or confronting sexual preferences. But not with Harry.