Behind Closed Doors

27. New Hair

May 2016

Time seemed to fly by after the release of Zayn's first solo album. He fell into the old routine he'd always known throughout his music career: an interview here, a live performance there, eat & sleep, repeat. The reception of his album went above his expectations. People were in love with his sound, the name Zayn Malik becoming a common name in any household.

There was still a significant amount of One Direction fans who despised everything he did, blaming him for the fallout of their beloved band. But that was to be expected. One of the highlights in his solo career came as a letter given to his manager, Sarah, from Justin Timberlakes team.

He had congratulated Zayn on his new album and wished him the best of luck while offering advice, "time heals all wounds." Soon enough, people will forgive or forget and Zayn shouldn't let the opinions of a small group affect his desire for happiness and success, were Justin's words of advice for the new solo artist. Just knowing icons like Timberlake recognized his hard work was validation for Zayn that he'd done the right thing.

In fact, multiple celebrities had already been reaching out to collaborate. It was like a dream come true and Zayn felt truly proud of himself and his work. His success was one massive, "fuck you," to his former colleagues at the Syco label. These same people had ignored his song writing skills and denied him the ability to maximize his potential. It always felt as though they had no faith in Zayn or his talent. Therefore, his current achievements felt that much more significant and left him with a satisfying taste in his mouth.

After going their separate ways in March, Zayn hadn't seen Harry again. They shared a few texts from time to time and found time to talk on the phone on a few rare occasions. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between the two of them to focus on their careers and lives apart, at least for the time being. Zayn was trying hard not to think about the way they'd left things. He was a man who appreciated knowing things. Knowledge and learning were important to him, vital even for who he chose to waste his time on. Not knowing where they stood was a small torture that he chose to endure in silence, fearing he'd push Harry away if he tried having that conversation. It wouldn't be fair anyways given Zayn couldn't articulate what it was he wanted from his former band mate. Simply knowing he could call Harry and keep in touch would have to suffice for the time being.

He'd been dying to see Harry the past couple of days after Harry told Zayn he'd chopped off his long hair. Zayn wished he could tell him to keep the long locks but it wasn't his place. Harry was doing it for his film and besides, the deed had already been done before Zayn had even known. It made him feel unimportant, as silly as it may sound. Zayn wanted to be the one Harry reached out to when he made trivial decisions like the length of his hair. Not a mere after thought Harry told his decision to after it was made, likely just one person amongst many whom Harry chose to shoot a text to before forgetting. He hadn't even graced Zayn with a photo and it was driving him mad not seeing his baby's new look up close and personal. He refused to even try and search the news for updated photos of the hair, if there were any. Zayn wanted to see it up close and personal or not at all.

He hadn't spoken to Haz in some time. There'd recently been a massive decision that Zayn had chosen to make on his own, against his manager and girlfriend's begging him against doing so.

Having performed at a handful of venues and talk shows, the unnerving anxiety Zayn had experienced in 2014 & 2015 began to seep back in, only this time it was heightened. He no longer had four other people on stage with him to help ease some of the pressure he often felt. When Zayn performed it was all him. The entire song, entire performance focused on Zayn and he hated the feeling. He felt like everything he did was scrutinized or would be laughed at and hadn't anticipated feeling so overwhelmed when he took stage on his own, due to the fact that he'd mainly focused on all the positive aspects to going solo. Performing on his own had certainly crossed his mind but never sent his head reeling into a crippling anxious form, as reality would have it. Therefore, he'd only just announced his retirement of touring and performing live for the time being. Though secretly he was sure he'd never do it again.