Behind Closed Doors

11. Insecurities

If you just give it a chance, loving you is not my plan
'Cause I know one day you'll see
All the things that we can be
-"Sober" by The Childish Gambino

September 2011

2 months had passed since the filming of "What Makes You Beautiful," music video. Neither Harry nor Zayn had spoken to one another about what had happened that weekend in the Malibu hotel. That wasn't to say they didn't flirt. Zayn flirted with Harry any time he got the chance and luckily, Harry seemed to enjoy the attention rather than shy from it.

There were multiple occasions where Zayn felt the uncontrollable urge to kiss Harry and feel him again. He even dreamt about Harrys soft skin once. Zayn felt like something inside him was begging to be set free. Harry had unleashed a side to him he hadn't known existed. The only issue was that Harry held the key and Zayn didn't have the guts to up and ask Harry to reopen the lock to that part of Zayn.

To further Zayn's dilemma, his mind kept feeding him terrible thoughts that left him fearful. It told him he was a deviant. Abnormal. Unfit to ever touch another female. His body wanted Harry but his mind seemed to be trying to talk Zayn down from those urges, leaving Zayn entirely confused.

It was now well into September. The boys had performed at Red or Black but Harry had struggled to catch his breath during his solo. He struggled to get the words out eloquently and was distraught afterwards. Harry, who was normally a Chatty Cathy, was tight lipped and solemn backstage when the boys had finished their performance. In all honesty, Zayn hadn't even known why Harry was acting strange. That is how minor of a "mess up," Harry's performance had been.

To make matters worse, Harry had apparently gone online and read hate comments about himself and his vocal performance leaving him shut away in his room, refusing visitors.

Louis called all the boys to inform them. Without having to ask, Liam, Zayn and Niall came to Louis and Harry's flat. Harry still wouldn't see anyone and was shut away in his room.

Liam tried first, being the most obvious choice of someone you'd wanna talk to when feeling down. After he was refused, Niall tried. He had a different approach and remained lighthearted, even attempting to trick Harry into opening the door. He said things like, "oh my gosh Harry! You'll never believe who just came in the door! Come look."
When that failed, Niall and Louis continued to try and get Harry to laugh. But Harry still wouldn't open the door.

When they returned to the kitchen to join Liam and Zayn, Niall looked at Zayn expectantly. Zayn sighed, getting up to try and work some magic. Though he doubted anything he said would work.

Zayn went to the door and knocked lightly.
No answer.

He wasn't sure what he had been expecting but he was still a bit bummed when Harry didn't open.

"Harreh?" Zayn spoke softly. "It's me, Haz. Look. I'm not gonna sit here and beg you or try and trick you into opening this door. I know what you're feelin', okay?"

Zayn hesitated, wondering if Harry was even awake or listening, but decided to go on. "I grew up surrounded by ignorant hate. It's not somethin new to me, if'm honest it's like....normal to me. As bad as that sounds...." Zayn trailed off unsure if Harry knew what he was talking about. When Zayn heard shuffling around the room and footsteps nearing, but still no open door, he decided to elaborate.

"Harry, I'm a half-Pakistani boy livin' in a post 9-11 world that sees anyone of middle eastern descent and thinks, 'terrorist.' I don't talk about it but it is something I have to deal with daily. People are always ostracizin' me because I'm not white enough or brown enough. But I realized you gotta be okay and sure of yourself no matter what. As long as I know who Zayn Malik is then screw everyone else. I don't even read any comments in our stuff because I know there's some that are racist slurs towards me. You ever notice that? And Harr—"