Behind Closed Doors

14. Jacuzzi

And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy, this is crazy.
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself?
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else

-"Ex-Factor" by Ms. Lauryn Hill

2016

Zayn lay on his living room floor in London, staring at the ceiling. Gigi had finally left and now he was alone with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company. It's times like these Zayn wishes he had a pet of his own to keep his mind occupied. All day he had been with Gigi and trying to give her his utmost attention. He wanted to give it. Zayn forced his mind to focus on everything she said for fear it would wander elsewhere..... particularly to a certain someone with gorgeous green eyes, pink plump lips, and—

"No." Zayn whispered into the quiet, full-on talking out loud to himself.

He gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't think about him it only makes it worse."

Unfortunately for Zayn it was impossible for him to escape his thoughts even when they weren't being spoken aloud like a psychopath.

But what did Harry mean when he said, "I bet if we tried, it would be easier this time since we won't have to be around each other 24/7."

Ugh. I need a joint. Zayn thought, and he sat up to go get his galaxy painted metal container that held multiple pre-rolled blunts of various strains. He settled for some Pink Kush to help him relax and hopefully, fall asleep. After lighting the blunt and taking a long hit, Zayn immediately felt that familiar relaxing feeling come over him. His entire body seemed to let loose, showing him he'd been tense in places he hadn't known.

Zayn then walked over to his desk that held a vintage gramophone record player on top, while tons of records lie within the shelves of the desk. As he scanned through his collection he decided to put on the 1998 Album, "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill."

Zayn was beyond obsessed with Lauryn Hills voice. She didn't seem to feel she had to show off in any way. It was purely the sound of her voice and it's tone. It was hypnotizing, soothing, and evoked so much emotion. Lauryn Hill songs always sounded like she was just sitting in a room, smoking a joint and vibing with the lyrics as they came to her on the spot. She reminded Zayn of a proper poetry reader, like the ones who do open mic nights where the audience snaps their fingers to show approval. To put it plainly, the woman had soul. It was the perfect album to chill out to and really think about the lyrics. It would keep his mind occupied and his soul fed.

Zayn decided to lie down on his large beige sofa while he stared at the ceiling and smoked the joint. When the song, "Ex-Factor" came on, Zayn felt overcome with emotion. He related to the song more than ever as Lauryn sang about a relationship where nether is fully satisfied with the circumstances surrounding it but even more afraid to let each other go. She goes from telling her love they can make it work to begging them to let her go. If that wasn't he and Harry then what was?

Zayn had spent the entire day yesterday with Harry and though it started rough, they finally began to see one another again, the person they'd both thought they'd lost, in each other. It was amazing, Zayn refused to let his mind regret it. Even though he did have feelings of guilt due to the nature of his life and current relationship with Gigi. He wanted to just try and think of the good for a while. Something he'd tried to avoid just minutes ago. Zayn's mind was all over the place.

Zayn had taught himself over the course of the year to focus on the present and not waste time thinking too much about his loss. In hindsight it was unwise because he never allowed himself to reach acceptance. Yesterdays events proved to Zayn his mind was not his own. Zayn had been blindly thinking his mind was in a new place, far from his old ways, focusing on building this new life he wanted. Or at least he told himself that is what he wanted. Low and behold, the old Zayn was still there, still just as infatuated with a green eyed man as he was at their height. That part of Zayn's mind had simply been turned off, but never erased and never forgotten. Truthfully, Zayn had always known it. He just didn't want to admit it. Zayn knew it the moment he locked eyes with Harry Styles at the Clive Davis pre-Grammy Gala. He knew it deep in his soul and subconscious but his conscious had been working overtime to keep the realization at bay. His mind was not his own.