Behind Closed Doors

4. Bangkok

Zayn wasn't sure how to go about it. He didn't fully trust Sarah with his private life and he didn't want this to be some stunt to gain publicity. He had to find another route. Harry had likely changed his number, so Zayn didn't even try texting him out of fear. Irrational fear that someone else may keep tabs on his phone, that it wasn't his private number anymore.

He wondered how Harry would even respond. What if he rejected Zayn? What if he didn't and wanted to meet? Would he try to go back to their old ways? Would Zayn? Zayn wasn't even sure he wanted that. Yes, of course he missed it. He missed it more than humanly possible, he ached for Harry. But that didn't seem wise. Perhaps Zayn had finally gained foresight but he knew he had changed far less than he'd like to admit. He was not in the headspace of wanting to come out with Harry as his boyfriend anymore than he was a year ago. Definitely not. He had his family to think about, his new team counting on his upcoming album to succeed, not to mention Gigi. She'd been so good to him. So kind, loving, supportive. It wasn't fair to do that to her.

Zayn was getting ahead of himself.
He didn't even know how to reach out to Harry. One step at a time. No need to worry about things that haven't happened yet.

His day was filled with preparation for his new album release. Zayn already decided he'd release it March 25th, a homage to the day he quit the band. The events leading up to that day play in his head on repeat as he contemplates reaching out to Harry. Reconsidering if it's even a good idea. Maybe they are better left alone from one another. They'd caused each other so much pain in the past, Zayn wasn't sure he was ready to have that conversation just yet. Harrys silence told him that he wasn't either.

***

March 2015

It had been 3 months since Harry introduced the idea of a hiatus to the band. An idea that was shut down and he was asked to not bring up again. Liam, Louis, and Niall were all angry with Harry and so was management. They felt it was out of the blue, especially with their impending tour coming up. Harry got so much shit for it which left Zayn feeling both apologetic, as it was actually him who had gotten Harry to even ask for a hiatus, but also angrier than ever. He felt hopeless again but was trying hard to keep his promise to Harry.

Harry had went out on a limb for Zayn, he knew that. But Zayn's anger was growing by the day and influencing his relationship with Harry. He felt angry Harry had ever made him promise him he wouldn't leave. In a way he'd trapped him. Zayn felt paranoid this was Harrys plan all along, to make Zayn think Harry was being kind when really Harry knew the idea would get shot down. It was Harrys way of making Zayn his, forever, locking him into the band with Harry.

To make matters worse, Zayn felt more in love with Harry than ever. 2014 had been such an amazing year for them. When everything else was shit in his life, Harry was the sweet escape. Zayn had even avoided sex with Perrie or any contact with her unless for publicity because he preferred Harrys company. It wasn't like that before.

Before, he hadn't much of a preference or so he told himself, because they were so different. He managed to keep them completely separate in his mind, but now, his feelings for Harry were real and undeniable so Zayn gave into them.

Zayn prided himself in his honesty with Harry. He never lied to him about Perrie or made him false promises. He kept Harry up to date with everything even if he knew it would hurt him. Zayn felt honesty was really the only thing he could give Harry, since he couldn't break it off with Perrie. Not yet at least.

When his feelings for Harry deepened, Zayn was honest about it. He told Harry how in love he was and that he only wanted to be with him. He promised him he'd never actually marry Perrie and that Zayn would keep her away as much as he could so that he could give all his time to Harry.