Behind Closed Doors

23. News

**This chapter feels like a filler but it has purpose.**

June 2012

After a month long break following the Australia leg of the tour, One Direction was now multiple shows into the North America leg and would be touring continuously until the end of July. Each of the band members hoped to make the most of the experience, for it was still quite new and exciting. The joyful energy which enveloped the band and crew worked positively for Zayn and Harrys relationship. They'd easily fallen into the old friendship they'd once shared, devoid of sexual intimacy. Zayn never brought the subject up to Harry and neither did the latter. It was now an unspoken memory, existing only in the minds of Harry and Zayn.

Initially, Zayn feared the manner in which Harry would act around him following their drunken night in Sydney. He'd even worried Harry held romantic feelings for him. His fears were put to rest however, when Harry began to encourage Zayn to make things work with Perrie, who he'd gone public with prior to the North American tour. The members of Syco, the label One Direction was signed with, were ecstatic to learn about Zayn's ongoing relationship with Perrie Edwards. As Zayn had expected, they began treating it as if they controlled the moves, planning public appearances between Perrie and Zayn. Though he despised not having full reign, Zayn decided to play nice and work with them rather than fight them on it. Perrie told Zayn she didn't mind the press too much and that they're just lucky they picked one another on their own. Zayn supposed she was probably right and that he could have it worse.

When the lads were all together, Harry seemed most inclined to be around Niall and Louis. Zayn couldn't help but feel slightly cranky over Harry not giving him the attention. Nevertheless, he kept it to himself, not wanting to step on toes. Their friendship seemed to rely on both boys keeping their mouths tightly shut regarding what went down between them. Zayn knew telling Harry to give him more attention was simply petty. Therefore, they'd fallen into a healthy pattern and friendship that felt almost normal. The question on Zayn's mind was whether it would last...

Internally, Zayn would never be the same. For starters he'd begun to watch gay porn. Initially he decided to watch it for educational purposes, were he to ever have Harry in his bed again. What he hadn't vouched for was how much he enjoyed it. He got off to it immediately, as images of Harry's naked body and the feel of his tight ass flooded his mind. Harry was easily the best fuck Zayn had ever experienced, but he'd never admit it due to how much Harry hadn't enjoyed it. Zayn hadn't had much of a chance to think about how amazing it all felt until time passed and the cravings began. The gay porn was a real life saver and kept Zayn preoccupied with leaving Haz alone and working on their friendship.

Another issue was Zayn's feelings towards Perrie. Zayn had seen her during their extended break before heading to the states. When they'd slept together he couldn't help but compare it to Harry, catching himself wishing he were under him instead. This worried Zayn as anxious thoughts poured into his head.

What if I never enjoy a female as much as I had before?
Why do I feel like a liar?
How am I supposed to go on this way?

Zayn began smoking much more to calm himself but nothing made him feel better as much as getting off to boy on boy porn. Each time he would get off to it, he'd begin having a post-nut existential crisis and so The cycle continued.

It all sounds bad but honestly, Zayn was just happy he could easily distract himself with work and Perrie. She was still a good friend to have around and kept him on his toes given her large personality. Unfortunately for their relationship, Zayn was already planning on cheating. He felt it was necessary for himself to know if it was just Perrie who wasn't doing it for him or not. When he'd reminded himself that he was never that amazed by their sex it provided him immense relief. Maybe it wasn't so much gay vs straight, man vs woman, rather Chemistry vs lack-there-of. He felt bad but also too selfish and immature to think too far ahead of the consequences. Zayn needed a good shag and he planned to get it while on tour. It had to be someone he'd never see again.