Mischief Managed Y2 Part 2: The Truth of the Tournament

Chapter Sixteen: Things Wanted

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Remus somehow felt better after talking to Sirius. He had expected his friend to start sobbing, or worse, demand what monster had turned him. But Sirius had taken finding out how young Remus had been when he was bitten surprisingly well. It left the werewolf thinking that maybe talking to the nosy boy would actually be a possibility. It also left Remus questioning why he wanted to talk to Sirius about it when he was much less inclined to do so with the others...

Remus' good mood did not last, however. This was mostly because even after the Marauder's talk, in which James and Sirius had assured Remus the belief that lycanthropy could be transmitted through simply touching someone was ridiculous, Peter kept avoiding him. The older Marauders had gone back to normal, well normal for them anyway...but not Peter. His friend, who was avoiding touching him was even more of a worry than Remus sometimes getting the sense that Sirius' gaze was intensely on him. Only Lupin had never actually caught Black staring and convinced himself he must be paranoid about it. Remus just had to keep reminding himself that none of his friends hated him even if they didn't always like or feel safe around him...

James didn't hate him. Sirius didn't hate him. Even Peter didn't hate him though he was quite a bit frightened, understandably frightened.

So it was baffling to him why come the full moon, when Remus walked to the Whomping Willow with Ms. Pomfrey, it was with a heavy heart and fear that his friends would reject him come morning. Perhaps his fear stemmed from how his father would treat him differently after a full moon. Or maybe the terror was simply caused because Remus could not wrap his brain around the fact that his friends' acceptance, for the most part, could come so easily.

"Will you be alright, dear?" Madam Pomfrey asked, seeming more nervous than usual about the full moon tonight. Remus nodded, remembering the way his friends had hovered around him, forcing him to eat when he usually wouldn't. At least the werewolf had been able to throw up all the food in his stomach, as he always felt ill with anxiety beforehand, without his roommates realising. It really shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow having all his friends 'know' had cast a shadow of apprehension. It was just an extra reminder of how...disgusting it all was...how disgusting he was.

"I'll be fine, Madam Pomfrey. I'm feeling calm," he lied, his previous nod having not been enough to satisfy her worry. She still seemed to hesitate and somehow that made Remus' anxiety grow. What did she think would happen this time? Madam Pomfrey had explained how his emotional state had something to do with the level of violence the wolf would exert against him each full moon, well that and along with the wolf growing bigger as he did. But how could the matron possibly know of his persistent fear of his friends deserting him which seemed rooted in his mind no matter how many times he tried to push it away?

Peter won't even touch you. How long until James joins Peter? How long until they wise up? How long until all Sirius sees when he looks at you is a dementor?

"Alright, dear. I'll see you in the morning." She settled on accepting his answer, looking him up and down once before nodding to herself. 

"Alright, Madam Pomfrey," he replied politely, doing his best to keep the torment out of his eyes.

She smiled at him and left him alone in his misery. The matron would be back in the morning along with his friends who would expect to see him. If Remus could just be fine or at least mostly fine this one month then he could convince his friends that they weren't missing out on anything by not being in the hospital wing. He could show them Remus did not need them to be there. A selfish part of him wanted them there but he did not need them there, nor did he feel it would be fair to James, Sirius, and Peter.