it's either me venting about depression and stuff OR just random shit. there's no in-between, it's always one of the two. oh and i cuss a lot so maybe keep your kiddos out of here.
so it took my parents eighteen years to consider the possibility of getting me on anxiety meds. it won't happen, of course, but they're just now to the point where they realize my anxiety is not normal and is an actual fucking problem.
we're still in total denial of my depression, of course. my mother, who minored in psychology, has no damn clue about mental illness. she thinks anxiety is what drives people to self harm, not depression, or maybe she thinks they're the same thing? idk. she read my journal a couple years back, in which I wrote extensively of my dysphoria and suicidal thoughts, and I have yet to see a therapist. she also thinks my general doctor will prescribe anxiety meds. is that even a thing? i always thought psychiatrists were the only doctors able to prescribe shit like that..
ugh but anyway, things have just been really shitty lately, mainly with my dad. he doesn't understand that i can't just make myself be happy. he thinks a panic attack can just be turned off and, once he realized that wouldn't happen, he turned to my mother and said "damn, we'd better get (him) on medicine for this."
Here's the context: my main anxiety trigger is people. Talking to them, being around them, being in big crowds or being squished close to them. I had my graduation today, with hundreds of graduates and hundreds of people accompanying them. This, of course, brought on my anxiety, and this, of course, pissed my dad off. He's not been around for one of my attacks before, so I guess he didn't get what the hell was going on, but I'd had several episodes in my mother's presence before so she was good, she was trying to help me breathe. But my dad just got pissed so finally I just shouted at him to shut up because he was making shit worse. Even then, he still wouldn't let us leave. We had to stand out there in the crowd for no fucking reason. He thought we'd find our neighbors who had attended, even though they'd already told me they probably wouldn't stick around too long and I'd told him as much. He didn't want to hear it, he'd rather prove a point by making me stay in an uncomfortable situation.
thanks if you read this far i guess. this was just kind of a pointless rant.
but here's the bright side:
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