Literal Garbage

college- and parent-centric rant

(o h  n o  not another 1500+ word rant-)

I am extremely anxious about moving into my college dorm tomorrow.

I...don't really know why.

Maybe it's because I know my parents are going to smother me and I'll have to pretend I care more about leaving them than I actually do.

Maybe it's because I know that, even though I'm in the dorms, I'm nowhere near free of them.

Maybe it's because of the hassle of coming out to everyone.

Maybe it's because there are going to be a lot of people and I'll be expected to speak to them.

Maybe it's because.....I'm Corey. And what Corey does best is worry.

All I want is to get my stuff moved up into my room, and then have my parents leave right after.

In reality, they're staying the ENTIRE four hour period we're allowed to move in, and they want to go out for lunch after as well. 

I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE, THAT IS THE SOLE PURPOSE OF ME LIVING ON CAMPUS.

Despite me telling them I want time to myself, they don't listen. And I get it. They're worried or whatever. But I want space, and I'm not going to get it. I should've picked a school further from home, but this school has such a good stance towards LGBTQ+ individuals. 

But anyway.

I want to do things myself, and they don't want to let me. They think I can't do all these things but I can. ("You think you can do all these things but you can't, Nemo!") I can do things for myself (despite this morning's fiasco in which my brother was almost late to school because of me-) and I don't need them reminding me to breathe (that's an exaggeration, but just barely).

The thing is, all they do is complain when I'm around. "Stop acting so depressed," "you're too hateful/rude," "you need to lose the attitude," "it's like you're just here to ruin my day."

But now they're upset that I'm leaving? Psh, please. It's like, make up your minds, y'know? It's either you don't want me around or you do (and I'd prefer you didn't ;) ).

At any rate, they're already begging me to come home Saturday. I was gonna cut my hair Saturday..I'll have to tell them I'm busy with something, idk. And mom's already said that if I don't contact her every single day then she's going to drive up there to see me herself.

They won't let me take enough things to live there for more than a week or two, purely because they want me to have a reason to come home. They haven't really prepared me to be an adult, because they want me to continue depending on them. And I'm just fucking sick of it, honestly.

Then there's the whole "I'm living in the women's part of the building" and the "I don't feel comfortable showering while other people can freely enter and exit the room" and the "I decided to come out as trans to all my professors and peers even though I'm really fucking terrified to do so and have no clue how to hide it from my parents."

Oh, and I forgot to mention my mother has complete access to all my school accounts, my school email, etc. Anything I send or receive will be sent to her, so I can't exactly reach out to anyone at school through that account, and she'll be pissed if I switch the password and don't share it with her. "I'm your mother, I should be able to see what's going on at your school!" She says. But...there's such thing as privacy. And privacy has always been a foreign idea to her...

Anyway, I'm just really irritated that they won't give me the space I need. It stresses me the hell out. I'm probably repeating myself at this point but I don't really care, I'm just so frustrated with everything.

I want to live my own life the way I want to, and they won't let that happen. They won't let me do what's best for my mental health and well-being just because it "doesn't align with their values 😢" and now that I'm finally getting out, I don't even get to enjoy my freedom because I'll have to come home all the damn time.

It would've been easier if I'd went further away, I keep thinking..but it's too late now.

I want to be an adult, and to enjoy being an adult. I don't want to go home to mommy and daddy every weekend. I don't want or need to be around them, because I always feel shitty about myself when they're around. The past few weeks of being home with them 24/7 have been absolutely terrible for my mental health. Since I left my job my mental health has declined. I really enjoyed my job but had to leave due to the distance from school as well as being unsure of my school schedule. I didn't want to drive 30 minutes to a job that only makes 8.50$ an hour, it just wasn't practical. But I miss it a lot. It was a reason to get out of the house, y'know? It was a good thing.

And another thing about school is that Blake won't be there (if you don't know who that is by now then I don't know where you've been, because I talk about this woman DAILY. This is an official Blake stan account). I won't really have anyone there who makes me feel safe. (Actually my buddy Ken's going to the same school as me but idk if I could track the fella down-) I'm just scared I won't be able to find anyone who makes me feel the way I felt in high school, like I was happy and safe and home and valid.

I wouldn't ever admit it to anyone out loud, but I really want friends. But not just, like, the superficial "we can study together" friends. I want friends who understand me, who don't mind my weird eccentricities, who don't mind how awkward and nervous and annoying and weird I can be. I want friends who get my humor (even if it's practically nonexistent humor). I want friends who support me for being me, and won't make me feel like less of a man when I'm around them.

I want friends who make me happy the way you guys do. 

All my friends are online and, while I really love all of you, I'd like some friends I can see face to face too, y'know? But it's hard for me to do. I have social anxiety (especially when it's someone I find attractive-) and so I really struggle to talk to new people. Hell, I'm not even stepping foot in the school cafeteria, purely out of anxiety at the amount of people huddled together in line. My dad told me not to skip meals, but....I skip meals all the time, with him in the house with me. It's not a big deal for me to skip a meal. And besides, I'll have food in my room too.

I'm just..not an easy person to get close to. I'm bad about pushing people away. I don't text people (mainly because my phone is shit and randomly shuts down for no reason but also because I just hate texting people). I sure as hell don't call. And when I'm with them in person, I'm either painfully awkward or just plain silent. I'm not a good friend to have, in other words. I never put in any effort because I figure they'll just leave me anyway. I don't know, I'm just..I'm not good at people. I'm not good at caring for people, or taking care of them, or comforting them, or just talking to them. I suck. 

I never know how to act around people, how to make conversation. I don't know how to be witty or charming or funny or anything. I'm a boring guy, I'm just Corey and that's all.

But anyway, that wasn't the point of this.

I'll be in the dorm in seven hours and I'm going mad with worry.

(Also, what if mom and dad want to unpack my clothes and they see my binders and boxers?-)

I. Am. Anxious.

Sleep? Don't know her, do you?

I wanna sleep but I also don't. I just wanna stay up all night reading fanfic of my comfort characters.

(What if the school can see me reading/writing shitty fanfic and they kick me out for being 'unprofessional'?)

I'm really scared. About school, about cutting my hair and my impending doom at the hands of my parents, about meeting so many new people, about being butt-ass naked in the shower while other people can enter the room to take a piss or whatever, about just continuing to live honestly. Everything scares me. My blood pressure has been fucking insane all day.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.