Literal Garbage

more shit that would worry blake if she read it

i hate lying to you.

you're just..you're everything to me.

i hate telling you i'm okay when i'm not.

but i'd feel even worse if i told you the truth and you started worrying.

if you knew that, right before you made that hot tub joke, i'd been thinking of drowning myself. 

and i know you didn't mean anything, you didn't know. i'm not upset at all. it was just like...a sign, almost. that maybe....i should.

i don't normally listen to signs.

but it was just odd timing.

i don't want to tell you how dark my thoughts can get. you don't need to know that.

i'm glad you don't normally read this book, where i post all my worst thoughts. 

but sometimes i wish you knew...

maybe that's me being selfish. i tend to do that a lot...

the thing is, and i've thought about this a lot,...if i died, you would have no idea. and that thrills and terrifies me at the same time. i know it wouldn't really affect your day-to-day like it would if i saw you all the time, which makes it feel more okay. but at the same time, i feel guilty every time i think of attempting.

i'm the worst person.

you see so much good in me but it just isn't there. i don't know who you're talking about.

i'm disgusted by myself. i don't understand how you could ever care for me. i don't deserve it.

all i do is bitch and moan about my stupid, tiny, meaningless "problems." you shouldn't have to be subjected to that shit.

you deserve so much better than me.

i love you. but i don't deserve that privilege.