Literal Garbage

an exceedingly long personal rant that you don't want to read

I mean it. I don't want you guys to worry, so. You probably don't want to read this. It's...it's not good stuff. But I want to vent. So I will. But, I don't want you worried. Of course, I'm talking about Blake, Soap and Lee here. (And Jae? I mean, I know we just met recently but I want to cover all my bases here. If you consider yourself my friend you probably don't want to read this little shitshow here..)

I can't stop you from reading this though. If you want to, go ahead. But, like I keep saying, I don't want you worried.

Blake, I know it's too many long paragraphs for you to read anyway lmaooo I know that's why you didn't read the last one, you told me so yourself. It's a good thing all my rants are long, if it prevents you from reading them. I'm always worried that I worry you.

Anyway, here's your chance to leave.

Alright, cool. Now that my buddies have left, and I'm left with just myself here, I've been having some bad thoughts. Mainly connected to the stress of being closeted. I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and I'm not even worried about it because I know I'm too much of a pussy to act on any of it. I've had religion beaten too far into my head, that now I worry about going to hell. I know, if hell exists, that that's where I'm going. I deserve it. I'm a trans freak with very little religious belief. 

I wonder how it feels to drown, to have the cool water rush through your nostrils, filling your lungs...to slowly lose your ability to breathe...to feel your own life fade...I wonder what it's like to die of overdose. If it hurts, or if you just....end. I want to fill the tub and just lie there. Let my life slip through my fingers. 

After all, who would really care?

There's a quote I found particularly powerful, from the book "If I Was Your Girl" by Meredith Russo. It's what Amanda's (the transfem lead's) mother says after Amanda made an attempt on her life. What her mother says is: "I'd rather have a daughter than a dead son." And this..it almost made me cry. Because I'll never have that kind of support from my parents. Even if I did make an attempt on my life, they'd be more angry than anything. They'd shove more Jesus down my throat. They'd rather have a dead daughter than a happy son, I think. And that...hurts. It hurts, dammit!