Literal Garbage

The Corey Does Not Deserve Your Time Agenda

I swear I'm not fishing for compliments.

I feel like people probably think that, considering how often I bitch about my "problems" that aren't really problems.

I just don't value myself. 

And lately I've just felt worse and worse. Maybe it's because I've been at home with my transphobic parents. Maybe it's just me fully realizing how shitty of a person I really am.

But anyway, I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I should come out to my parents. My plan had always been to live on-campus during college, and then if be away if they don't take the news well (which, of course, they won't). But recently I realized, they could take me out of college. They're paying for it, after all. They could unenroll me. They could make me live at home. Honestly? Can I be honest here? Here it goes: I'm completely surprised they haven't sent me to conversion therapy yet. I feel like they don't know what that is, or else they would've sent me years ago. 

But I just feel like, as an adult, I shouldn't have to hide who I am any longer. I shouldn't have to attend school and let them use the wrong name and pronouns, especially considering that this is the kind of school that would 100% support me and any other LGBTQ+ students. This is the kind of school where they actually ask your preferred name and pronouns on the application. And since my mom has been handling all of the school stuff, guess what? It's got my birth name and lists me as female.

The whole reason I chose this school is because it's so LGBTQ+ friendly and I intend to take advantage of that fact by being out to everyone there.

But my parents...

I'm so scared of what they could do to me.

But at the same time...I'm just so sick of sacrificing for them. If it weren't for their transphobia, I would've been able to come out my freshman year of high school, I would've been able to cut my hair, dye it if I wanted, wear what I wanted, buy a binder, wear boys' underwear, use mens' soap and deodorant, go out with friends and maybe I would've even been able to get someone to date me. 

Idk. Point being, I could actually live my own life if not for my parents. And maybe that's a shitty thing for me to say. It's shitty for me to accuse them like I do, saying they're keeping me from living. But..idk. I find it to be true. Their attitude towards LGBTQ+ individuals has prevented me from living my life true to who I am. Instead, all I've got is some pretty bad anxiety.

It's shitty for me to complain all the time. I know you get sick of it. But, that's kind of what these kinds of books are for? 

You got yourself into this, pal.

I just..want to be me.

I'm glad I can do that here on Wattpad, at least.