Literal Garbage

don't read this, i'm ranting (that means you BLAKE, don't read this! >:c)

I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm handsome

Relationships seem like a lot of work though. And I have zero understanding of emotions, others' or my own, and have even less understanding of how to deal with emotions.

But idk, I just wish I had somebody.

Maybe it's because I've been feeling so dysphoric lately and crave comfort. Maybe it's because society says you'll be happier with a partner. Idk. 

I just want to feel loved.

Because, even though I know I have friends who love me, I don't feel loved. And I definitely don't feel worthy of love. A lot of times I don't even feel worthy of life.

But I'm here.

Unfortunately.

I'm just feeling so feminine lately and it's driving me mad.

Every little thing I've done has made me feel like, "oh that's so feminine! Stop that!"

More and more I feel like a fucking joke.

I mean, how can I expect people to call me a man when I don't even look like one? When I have long hair and can't even use mens' deodorant? When most of my clothes have to come from the women's section? When I'm hardly out to anyone? When I speak and sound like a girl? When everything about me screams "girl!" except for my own head?

It would be easier for everyone if I quit thinking I can be a man.

It's what my family would want, anyway, for me to give up. To stop trying to be myself and instead be the daughter they want. They've told me so themselves, that I should sacrifice who I am in order to fit in with everyone around me. Maybe they're right.

There's nothing masculine about me. 

I'm just kidding myself.

I'm such a fucking joke.

I'm so weak.

A stronger man- a real man- would've stood up to his parents long ago. A real man wouldn't be so scared of them. A real man wouldn't act like something he's not just to make others happy.

But that's just it- I'm not a strong man, and I'm not a real man.

I'm just a fake.

I'm a liar.

My body, my voice, my actions, my interests, they all betray me. 

Everything about me is fake.

I'm not real.

Nothing's real.

The one person I want to be with right now, is on the other side of the country.

I miss her so much. 

I just want to see her, to hug her. I want to hear her voice. And I feel okay saying this because she probably won't read this anyways, I'd be flustered if she did.

I just want to be around somebody who doesn't make me feel afraid of being myself. Someone who doesn't make me feel judged. Someone who understands. 

But how could anyone look at me and see a man?

I look so feminine. I act so feminine. I talk so feminine. I am so feminine.

I don't know why anyone would believe me. 

I don't know why anyone would use masculine pronouns for me.

I bet nobody really thinks I'm a guy, they just use my pronouns to be nice.

Even texting/writing shit on Wattpad, I think, that looks like something a girl would type. That looks like an emoji a girl would use. That sounds like something a girl would say.

No one ever looks at me and sees a boy.

Because he's not there.

I don't know where he is.

I can't see him.

But I know he's there.

No one else knows, but that's understandable.

I understand why people think I'm a girl.

There's no 'tell' that I'm a guy. It's not obvious. When I tell people, there's no, "oh I thought so." (Well,, there was one time with this guy Nic. When I told him I was pan he made the 'you have sex with pans?' joke so idk how I feel about him assuming I'm trans. I mean, it was nice to have someone just get it for once but,, idk. When I first met him four years ago he thought I was a lesbian..I just radiate queer energy ig)

Pointless diversion aside, here's the facts...well, there's only one fact, singular: I don't know how anybody could look at me and see a guy. 

I wish things weren't the way they were, that I'd been born in the right body. Of that I didn't fiddle the way I feel, and could just be the girl my parents wanted. Straight, cisgender, normal.

But I'm not a girl. I wish I could be that for them. But I don't know how; at least, not any better than the half-assed act I've been putting on for them.

It hurts. To see something in yourself that others don't understand, or that you feel like they won't understand. To constantly feel like people are judging you, laughing at you behind your back, disbelieving of you. Maybe it's all paranoia. Maybe it's not.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm dysphoric and I needed to rant. This didn't help any. If anything, I feel worse. But yeah. This is a thing that exists now, this rant.

Sorry if you actually read this, there was really no point.