SPASE

SPASE: CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Parker's train slows, halting to a stop. Two large blasts of the horn let her know that she made it to the station. She peers out of the side of the car, hesitant. She knows she's at the edge of Spase, but how far can she go without turning back around?

Parker can almost taste her grandma's pork buns fresh from the oven. Even if they're too hot to eat, she'll still enjoy forking them down. That's why she didn't want to leave in the first place. That's why she did what she had to do.

Like a prima ballerina, Parker leaps off of the train car and hides behind the nearest bench. The green paint of the bench rubs off on her hands as she grips the armrest. Wiping it on her sweatshirt, her eyes dart from side to side, hoping that she seems invisible. She doesn't see anyone. The anxiety rushes up in her throat just as it did the night she came to Spase.

Parker remembers seeing her breath. November seems to always be just chilly enough to wear her sweatshirts. She feels most comfortable in cut-off jean shorts and a sweatshirt, hiding both fresh and old scars on her wrists. Parker's mom, single and the tigress of her family, always has plans for her. Parker is destined to join the Navy just as her father had done and his father before that. Technically, Parker already swore in even though she is still in high school. The Delayed Entry Program set her future and gave her a date.

Her mother is always in her head and, even sitting on this bench alone, doesn't help her mother's negative thoughts go away.

"It is what's expected, otherwise, you'll be nothing just like your deadbeat brother who works at the corner grocery!" Parker's mom's voice bellows in her head.

Parker isn't even technically at boot camp yet and she already has someone barking orders at her. Parker doesn't know what else to but follow them.

Just a vivid as her mother's voice in her head, she remembers the night she looked into the sky and I slipped off her flip flops. She still feels the gravel hard and sharp sink into her skin and between her toes. All is dark in the memory except the moon, making the skin on her hands and legs appear the color of milk.

Parker recollects failing biology and calculus. Parker doesn't even have to guess what her mother will think when she gets her report card in the mail tomorrow. She already knows her mother sees her as a failure. Just like every fucking day Parker was alive.

"P, what are you doing with that hair? I didn't raise you to let it hang in your face like that!" Her mother's voice screeches in her head again.

"Sit up straight! You'll get a lump on your neck!" Her mother's voice clangs in her memory.

"You will go to the Naval Academy and command an aircraft carrier just like your father and grandfather. You are born to lead! Lead you must! Chen's lead! There's nothing else to be!" Her mother's voice rings, placing the weight of the family name on her shoulders. She's already denounced her birth name: Pak Chen. The name separated her from everyone else. She just wanted to be normal.

Parker wonders what would have happened if she didn't listen and she was still alive. Could she have gone to college for art like she always dreamed? Instead, she's stuck. She's stuck becoming something that she isn't.

The metallic tracks shine as bright as the stars in the moonlight. Parker begins to tap her chewed nails anxiously against the bench armrest. Anxiety grows in the center of her chest when she thinks of her decision that night. She remembers needing to let go because she isn't in control of her own life. Parker didn't know how to be on Earth and not be herself. She can't be a disappointment. Her eyes dart back and forth thinking of the emotions she felt that night. The train whistle is still present in her eardrums and the vibration still radiating throughout her bare feet.

Parker remembers the blood pulsing faster through her veins. She remembers thinking they would burst. It wouldn't stop.

Parker closes her eyes and still sees golden lights brighten the line of dark green pines that outlined the tracks. She still sees the train coming and remembers thinking to herself, "How am I going to make it stop?"

Eyes still closed, she revisits this memory; the memory that haunts her here in Spase. The moment that decided everything. Parker remembers leaping, like a prima ballerina.

And her world becoming black.

Startled, Parker opens her eyes. Her forehead is hot just thinking about what got her here in the first place. Parker can't seem to get away from these tracks. Parker can't fix her mistake. Parker tries to jump on the train to get back to the Earth that she once knew, to do it over and make the right decision. To apologize to her mother. She doesn't want to go back as something or someone else to relearn lessons. She already knows what she's done wrong.

Without anyone in sight, Parker makes a mad dash through the station doors and into the women's bathroom. She trips on the transition and falls to her knees on the cold, hard tile floor. Parker lifts her head when she hears whispers. She realizes she's not alone.

Reynolds and Maddie are there, and they are talking to someone else.