SPASE

BEFORE: CHAPTER THREE

Beep. It's the fourth block.

Wearing a smirk that won't go away, Maddie fixes their eyes on the math test. They grip the pencil and know that they are aware of how to do exponents, but their mind just isn't there. They're frozen, in shock, and giddy for the first time ever. It's the first time in months in they've even smiled. Staring at Melissa, they notice she slightly sticks out her tongue when she's concentrating. Melissa takes her hair out of her bun and they watch how her wavy hair falls to her shoulders.

The clock on the wall ticks as Mr. Pancoste peers around the room at the tops of the students' heads. Maddie doesn't know how they all haven't gone blind yet from the bright neon yellow walls that he's attempted to cover up with positive quote posters. Somehow, he thinks algebra is supposed to be fun, and somehow people should be positive in this environment.

If Maddie could constantly roll their eyes during class, they would, but today, their eyes fix on the curve of Melissa's shoulders and the way her hand holds her pencil. Melissa doesn't seem to notice Maddie watching her.

"How did I not notice she was in my algebra class?" Maddie thinks, questioning how much they actually pay attention in school. They can smell the looming F from the blank test in front of them.

Maddie sees Melissa as a work of art herself: complex, wild, beautiful, and messy. Wondering what her story is, Maddie convinces themselves that this all is a fluke. They know that she didn't just join the class. If that's the case, Mr. Pancoste would have taken the time to introduce and embarrass the shit out of her. He does that to all of the new students. It's the way he tries to be funny and "down with the kids" as he would say.

"What is her deal?" Maddie wonders, continuing to stare at the back of her head. They begin to bit on the cap of their pen. Maddie's mind comes back to art, whether it is Big Burly Betsy or Melissa. Their insides grow fond and a bit jealous of Melissa's demeanor. Maddie wonders why they can't be as strong as Melissa seems.

"Is Melissa really that strong?"

Continuing to bite on the pen cap, Maddie closes their eyes, wishing they could somehow be someone else; someone that Melissa's type would probably like. Maddie's thoughts fold in on themselves, exploring the possibilities in the corners of their mind.

"Maddie, wake up and finish your test," Mr. Pancoste scolds from the front of the room. "That paper isn't going to do the math on its own."

Giving him a head nod, Maddie peers back at the test and starts circling answers they think are close to being correct, thanking someone-up-there-in-the-sky for multiple-choice tests.

"Yo, is that the girl from the last block?" Nick whispers to Maddie, throwing a tiny ball of crinkled paper at Maddie to get their attention. Looking at Nick, they notice he is pointing to Melissa and then slaps his knee. Still concentrating on the test, Melissa doesn't even notice her ears burning."She's fuckin' hot. I think we'd both agree we'd smash that. How did we never notice her before? When the hell did she join our class?"

Smirking, Maddie pretends to be doing the assignment."I think she was always in our class, but you need to be quieter before we get detention again." Maddie glances up at the front of the room to see the teacher staring at his laptop not paying attention to the class anymore.

"Oh, I see what's going on here," Nick says and smiles. "You like her."

Maddie whispers, "She's cool. Did you hear..."

"Oh yeah, I heard about the big rescue," Nick interrupts, making air quotes with his fingers. "She was probably just being nice."

Nick's comment stung. Maddie would like to think that Melissa did what she did out of kindness. It didn't even occur to them that Melissa might like them. Melissa doesn't know them. Maddie is just Maddie after all. Nothing shiny. Nothing special, just themselves. Thoughts of hoping that Melissa might like them quickly leave their mind.

"If Nick, their 'best friend,' couldn't even fathom that being possible, how the hell were they supposed to?" Maddie thought. "Who were they kidding? It's not like Melissa would never actually like like them... right?"

As the giddiness Maddie felt faded away, they stop staring at Melissa and snap back to their reality.

Nick chuckles and lies his head down on the desk. Mr. Pancoste notices and gives them a death stare in their direction. Maddie looks back to the work on their desk and Nick does the same. Maddie's heart aches by the comment Nick made and seriously contemplates slapping the shit out of him, but they have history. They've known each other since Nick peed his pants in kindergarten and everyone else laughed. Maddie couldn't lose him as a friend now. He's pretty much the only friend they have.

Maddie always tries to be what their Momma would want them to be. Momma's advice always plays over and over in their head, even when it's looking pretty dark.

"Love everyone, sunflower, regardless of how they treat you. Love is a boomerang; it will eventually come back to you," Momma's voice rings through Maddie's head. Momma wouldn't care what they were, who they loved, or the mistakes they made. She would always forgive and be supportive. To her, Maddie could be anything they wanted. She would have told Nick to go to hell.

If she was still alive.