SPASE

SPASE: CHAPTER TWENTY

Maddie smells them before they open their eyes. They know they are back in the sunflower field and their body quickly relaxes, releasing all tension. Maddie slowly opens their eyes as if to savor the moment. The flowers stand high and mighty, forming dew along with their long petals just as they would back at home at dusk. Except in Spase, it is permanently dusk; a day always ending but never beginning.

The dew on the sunflower's pedals mimics the moist softness that Maleki left on Maddie's lips. They feel their stomach drop, giving away a sense of guilt.

"How the fuck could I do that to Melissa?" Maddie screams inside to the point they can't breathe. Maddie's insides tear apart.

Maddie thinks that Maleki is attractive, but Maddie has a girl at home that they love more than anything. Melissa and Maddie are a thing. At least at that moment Maddie thinks that they are until they contemplated what was actually said between them prior to the accident. Confused, Maddie doesn't know where they stand.

"It isn't like she officially asked me out. Yeah, we messed around, made out, told each other things that they normally wouldn't tell other people, but did that mean that they were actually a thing?" Maddie ponders, sitting cross-legged among the flowers.

They were best friends. Maddie secretly had wanted to be more, and then that night before ending up here happened where they were intertwined like two souls that couldn't be separated, but no one officially asked anything, not technically anyway.

Half of Maddie is mad at themselves and the other half is mad at Maleki.

"Yeah, he was cute, but how did we end up kissing. I like girls," Maddie admits to themselves out loud.

Maddie finds themselves confused as to what is wrong with them and how they allowed themselves to get that far. As Maddie sits on the ground between the flowers, Maddie pounds the earth between their thighs with their fists and starts to cry uncontrollably.

What's wrong, sugar? Reynolds relays, as he begins to creep toward me in the weeds.

"What's wrong?" Maddie sniffles, disgusted with themselves. "I kissed Maleki!"

Reynolds just looks at me as if it isn't a big deal. Maddie knows he saw. Reynolds is always present for everything. Maddie knows that Reynolds witnessed how he transitioned. Reynolds shares everything with them.

You liked him, honey bun. You shared a kiss; a sign of affection for one another. Us dogs, we do it all the time with many people and you don't see us gettin' all worked up in a tizzy, Reynolds relays, trying to put the situation into perspective.

Maddie lifts their head, comes to their feet, brushes off their dress, and stares at him.

"You know that it's totally different between dogs and humans and whatever! You know that I thought he was attractive! Maleki played me," Maddie accuses.

Well, didn't you play him? Reynolds asks, scratching his stomach with his back paw.

Maddie gasps for air that they couldn't find. Eventually, Maddie finds the right words.

"What the hell do you mean, 'played him?' He was the one flirting and kissing me! I don't even like guys!" Maddie says, stuttering the words as they come out. Maddie can't believe what Reynolds is possibly getting at.

You didn't play him in a romantic sense. You love everyone, honey, and that's just fine. You played him by lying by saying that you forgive Greg, Reynolds states as a matter of fact.

Trying to deflect the truth behind the Greg comment and the lying, Reynolds accuses.

Maddie peers away."What do you mean, 'everyone?' I love Melissa!"

I know that you do, but don't you think it's possible that you could be attracted to more than one; more than a girl or boy, both and everyone in between? Reynolds asks.

It is as if an electric shock goes through Maddie's brain and trickles through their veins and out their fingertips and toes. Maddie is shaken and the reality of Reynolds' words. Maddie knows that they don't feel like a boy or girl and sometimes they feel like everything in between both worlds, but they never imagined loving everyone or having that capability. They know who they are, but they haven't ever been this torn before.

"None of it matters anyway. Maleki is gone. Transitioned," Maddie protests.

This is a part of what makes you special, darlin'. Special enough to be the Guide; your ability to love everyone and anyone, and in between.

Somewhere between the flowers and crevices of Maddie's heart, they accept Reynolds' truth. Maddie doesn't have the urge to speak after Reynolds' comment about the speciality.

"What makes a person special? Was it who they were, what was in their heart, their appearance?" Maddie wonders. They don't know the answer. They don't even have anyone besides Reynolds. Maddie guesses they would try to at least attempt to trust Reynolds at his word.

After all, he is the Guide's guide in a way.

You should get some rest, honey, Reynolds states as he rests his head on Maddie's bent thigh. Maddie notices they have goosebumps. Reynolds' warmth feels good, soothing. Maddie decides to lie back and trust Reynolds in what he's talking about.

Maddie feels as though they have been awake for days. In reality, Maddie sleeps more than any person needs to sleep. What is reality anyway? Is it Spase or Earth? What place really matters? Maddie's mind starts to race and they can feel their heart begin to beat faster, pumping blood throughout their body. Reynolds somehow feels it too.

Relax darlin'. Lie back into the grass, Reynolds relays. You need to rest. How do you expect to help anyone if you don't rest?

As Maddie drifts off, they can feel the heat of Reynolds' body curled up under their head. Reynolds knows Maddie. Maddie uses him as a pillow, just like old times except those times have come and gone. They are in Spase now.

Breathe with my breath. Get your rest, love, Reynolds sings.

Maddie listens and drifts further into the darkness. Maddie is far from home, but home isn't far from their mind. The only thing that Reynolds doesn't say is how to keep the dreams away.