SPASE

SPASE: CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Maddie feels Eli slip away from their fingers. That is it. That is the transition. Where he goes, Maddie and Reynolds don't know. They like to hope that he is able to go back and experience life as something else, someone else. Something or someone loved. Maddie wants Eli to have the chance to experience love. Eli never mentions his mom or the relationship that he has with his mom, but Maddie has a sinking feeling that she isn't there for him, at least in that life. She didn't stick up for him at the most important times either.

Anger and hostility rise up in Maddie's throat.

It's over now. Let it go, Reynolds relays, slowly standing up in the gravel and roughly shaking his body.

Maddie looks over at Reynolds.

"What's wrong with you?" Maddie asks. "You're moving slower than before."

Reynolds stops.

I'm gettin' old, darlin.' We don't feel any pain here. I'm just old and slower than I used to be. In the Final Place, ya know where we go to the Final Transition... that's where I'll be able to run, Reynolds explains.

"Oh... like Heaven," Maddie says, making a connection.

If that's what you see it as; it's all about perception. It is what you want it to be, Reynolds says.

Maddie's mind wanders to thinking about Eli again.

"Where did he go? Would I'd run into him when I woke up if I ever woke up. Was he a dog, a cat, a boy to a family where he would actually be treated like a kid and not forced to grow up to fast? Would he remember me?" Maddie thinks in their head.

You need to stop worrying about where, what, who he'll be in the next life. That'll drive you nuts, sunflower. You just have to help them by showing them kindness and helping them let go of their past, Reynolds lectures.

Maddie starts tapping their fingers against their leg. Now standing in the gravel, Maddie looks up to face the sky, closing their eyes. Maddie takes in the air, which smells of freshly washed linen. It reminds them of Momma. It reminds them of when their dad used to sort of be happy.

You know, you told Eli to forgive his dad. You empathized with him...Reynolds recounts.

"Yeah, well I got him. I understood how he feels. I mean, my dad wasn't a murderer, but..." Maddie says with their eyes still shut. They wish they could feel a breeze on their face like when they were on the teeter-totter with Eli.

Don't you think that's kind of harsh? Reynolds interjects.

Maddie stops breathing for a second. "Are you saying that he isn't a murderer? He ran over Eli with the car!" Maddie yells, eyes open, flailing their arms at Reynolds, and begins to walk off.

Yes, he did. But do you think that any dad would want to hurt his child on purpose? Yes, people say things that they don't mean and call people terrible names, but do you think he would have run Eli over on purpose? Reynolds asks.

Maddie hangs their head low and looks at their black boots. The boots that were new at the beginning of Maddie's journey in Spase seemed to have acquired scuff marks. "There's no way to know if he did it on purpose," Maddie replies.

Do you think that your dad means to hurt you when he says the things that he does? Reynolds asks, laying it on thick.

Maddie's mind shifts from the anger of Eli being run over by his dad to the sadness of what Eli's family felt after it all happened. Maddie remembers losing Momma and how painful the whole situation was and still is. They couldn't fathom losing their own child, let alone it being their fault.

He's drunk half of the time, Maddie. He's hurting, and what did you tell Eli? Reynolds reminds Maddie.

"I told him that people that usually drink the juice have anger or are hurting. That they feel bad about themselves, so they drink and do things..." Maddie reiterates. That's usually the case anyway.

Yes, sugar. They do. Now let go, Reynolds scolds.

Maddie stares at Reynolds, looks deep into his eyes trying to reach what he means. After a few minutes of silence, Reynolds speaks his mind more clearly.

Let go of the hurt your dad causes you and fill it with light.

Maddie closes their eyes and tries. Maddie cries, feeling the sweet relief of forgiveness, and drops to their knees.