SPASE

BEFORE: CHAPTER ONE

In between the lameness of study hall, Maddie closes their eyes as the raspiness of Dave Grohl's voice fills their eardrums. "The Best of You"'s instrumentals ring throughout their head as their chubby fingers clench the shaft of their pen. Hair falls in their eyes, but they don't even try to brush it back. Maddie lets the strands dangle just in from of their eyes. They don't take the time to even look up.

This is their zone.

Toes tap and legs shake of boredom throughout the room. Maddie never uses study hall for studying. No one ever does. CJ wobbles on his chair as he looks through his phone. Sam's head's down on a wooden desk and softly snores. The teacher, Mr. Starky, peers down at his battered desk, covered in half-ripped-off stickers from the previous teacher's decorations. He doesn't really care what the students are doing as long as the students shut up. He just wants to grade. Period. Inside of a sketchbook is where Maddie likes to live. That's their safe place.

The old, white paint peels from the corners of the room. Trying to find the wall clock, Maddie squints, searching. CJ shakes his leg, making their desk shake as if it is a washing machine on the rinse cycle. Maddie's body tenses up and grinds their teeth. With their fingers still gripping their pen, their annoyance stare at CJ drifts to beyond his head. A tiny penis with a smile on his face hugs the bottom righthand corner of the whiteboard. Obviously the teacher didn't catch that one, since it's been up there since the beginning of the second quarter... which was three weeks ago.

Shaking off the image, Maddie looks back down at their sketchbook. Placing their left hand firmly on the desk as if they were bracing themselves for something, their pencil glides along with the paper.

Carefully, they outline the features of their character's face with their pencil. Laser-focused. Eyes locked. Jaw surprisingly relaxed. Intricate shading goes in between the thighs and belly rolls of the character to show her curves as if her body is an ocean. The long, wavy curls of the character's hair flow to her shoulders.

Betsy, Big Burly Betsy forms right there on the page; Maddie's hero.

With every stroke of Maddie's pencil, Big Burly Betsy, the plus-size lesbian superhero of their dreams, comes to life. The more Maddie creates, the more they are taken out of their own, messed-up world and into a place where it's okay to be queer.

And it's okay to be different.

The instrumentals speed up to an allegro and Maddie draws faster, with more intention. Tighter.

Big Burly Betsy, otherwise known as "Triple B," is everything that they want to be: brave, confident, outspoken, smart, and most importantly, not afraid to be themselves. They are literately everything Maddie is on the inside, but it's too afraid to show itself. The creeping feeling of envy overcomes their insides. Feeling as if they've swallowed their heart, Maddie takes in a gulp of air and continues to fill in Triple B's shading.

"Yo, Mad. Who is that anyway?" CJ whispers from across the table, still shaking his left leg.

Annoyed, Maddie glances up. They see his mouth moving, but neglect to hear him over the screaming of their headphones. CJ's a muted TV; a picture with action but without sound. Hesitant, Maddie takes off their Beats and stares at him wide-eyed, mouth gaping.

"That chick. What does she do? What makes her so special?" CJ points to Maddie's half-drawn picture. He licks his teeth, making Maddie's insides squirm. They know it's coming. CJ hasn't ever been interested in their art if they can even call their sketchbook "art." CJ always looks to make everything the butt of a joke. They just brace themselves for the shit-storm about to come.

The only joke Maddie gets when they look at CJ is the neon yellow Nike's he's wearing and the fake gold tooth in his mouth that he calls, "da money smile." Through his smile and laugh, they still see the same old CJ from fifth grade: the boy obsessing over the newest Goosebumps book on the playground, laughing with Maddie about comic books, and playing Pokemon. The memory of CJ slipping on the iced-over blacktop during recess glazes over their thoughts, making them sad. This mishap lead to his front tooth being chipping so badly, they had to cap his tooth with the gold one. Now he pawns it off like he was the one who decided to have his tooth replaced, trying to fit in.

People grow and change, but Maddie still sees him. Even if they don't necessarily talk a lot anymore.

Warm air passes through Maddie's nostrils, trying to let out some steam prior to answering his questions. They know that he's not interested, but just looking for a way in, to sneak into a part of them where Maddie's vulnerable, so he can bust them open just to laugh at them.

"This is Betsy: Big Burly Betsy. She uses telepathy to turn her villains kind, so they won't commit crime anymore," Maddie stutters. "Among the fact that she can totally kick some ass. Um, it's just something I'm working on."

CJ smirks, bringing his hand to his face and rubs his chin."Ah. I thought she might shoot laser beams out her tits to kill her enemies or something. That would be something that's really badass. Who wants to see a superhero make someone kind.. Haha! Fuckin' stupid if...

Turning up the volume on their headphones, Maddie decides they're done hearing what he has to say.

Flipping their hoodie over their head, Maddie slides down in their chair and closes their sketchbook. Staring out the window, they wonder what it would take to become the type of superhero that would throat punch CJ for being an ass.

The bell rings and the vibration of their peers stampeding out of the room makes Maddie shoot back to reality. Stuffing the sketchbook into her ripped backpack, they walk out last to their next class, head down.

"Hey, Mad. D101, right?" Nick hollers as he passes them in the hallway. Maddie's eyes stay fixed on their orange high-tops, signed in permanent ink by The Muse, one of their favorite punk bands. Their jeans are ripped from them dragging on the floor. The black hoodie they wear every day isn't all that black anymore but faded. Maddie tries to stay the same every day, drawing the least attention. They feel hidden and comfortable that way. The ensemble hides their rolls, as well as their chest

Giving Nick a head nod in return, the swishing from their jeans dragging on the ground continues as they walk past each other.

Nick, their best friend since kindergarten, still had no idea about Maddie's secrets. He's often in his own little world where he is at the top, (the "high dingy doo" of something), and the current events of his life and only his life matter. With every piece of lightened hair in place and khakis freshly pressed, (by his mom Maddie assumes), he passes them taking confident strides.

The day passes like a blur. Maddie goes about the rest of their day unnoticed until the fifth block where they can finally take a breath. It's lunch: the safe block.

That's just the way they like it.

"So, Taylor Lautner, 'smash' or 'pass'," Nick announces to Maddie as they both begin to unpack their lunches in D101, the empty art room.

Maddie bites into their ham sandwich and chews slowly. Waiting for a moment, Maddie pretends to actually contemplate the scenario.

"Pass," Maddie says under their breath as they take another bite and stare downward. Nick puts his fork down, resting it in his bowl of kale and spinach salad, and places the bowl on the desk.

Nick throws his hands up. "Common! I don't swing that way, but he is hot!' Nick picks up his fork and continues to eat. With a full mouth he blurts out, "I'd do 'im."

Maddie chuckles with their mouth full, trying not to choke. Maddie thinks about the prospect again in silence.

"Nah," they concur. "But, he was pretty hot in the final Twilight movies," Maddie admits. "But in real life, I'd probably freeze or say something stupid as hell. It's not like you'd have the balls to say something."

"Oh come on now, this is just a game!" Nick erupts into laughter. "We aren't talking about reality here. We all know that no matter who it was, boy, girl, whatever, you'd be too damn shy to say a fuckin' word," Nick proclaims, the assumption making Maddie fall back even further into themselves.

Standing up to walk over to the trash can, Maddie sees the truth in his statement and doesn't say a word.