Fate Worse Than Death

You Were Wrong

(Possible TW)
Finn's POV:

There is no escape. I am trapped. Trapped in my own personal hell. My mind. A force I could not outrun. A force from which I could not hide.

"Murderer" the wind whispered. "Monster" I hold Clarke tighter hoping to hide from the voices. But they only continued to grow louder. "Killer" it was all true, every word. Soon I could fight them no longer. I gave in to the hisses in my ear that drove me outside. "You can't run from who you are Finn." The voice grew into voices surrounding me as if I were it's prey. The monster was of my own conscience.

"Please" I beg my own mind to stop as the mud in between the stones loosen.

"Say it Finn! What are you?!?!" Even as I try to crawl away from the ringing pain it follows. "Say it!" The voices demanded I admit what I really am. Every second that passed made the pain grow. It felt as if they were cutting off my air bit by bit.

"I'm a murderer." I muttered at the sky. "I'm a killer." Finally I admitted what I truly was. I was not saying it just to breathe, but to finally accept the truth. "I'm a monster."

"Indeed you are. Their blood is on your hands. How many lives was it again?!" My mind only continued to shout at me the truths I've hid from for so long.

"18" I quietly cried.

"Louder" the voice had no face yet it tossed me onto ceramic pots. Breaking the pots into sharp fragments.

"18!" I sobbed through the rain. The voices my head controlled my body as if I were only a puppet, punishing me every time I tried to resist it's commands.The pain was far too much. My stomach had no more food to bring up so my own body pushes my body fluids up instead. How I wished for it to stop. Not just the pain in this moment but life.

Clarke's POV:

The sound of shattering pots outside forces me awake. I find the warm spot next me is empty. Torches being lit outside beam through the tent. Outside I find Finn screaming in agony.

"18. 18. 18. 18" I hear him mumble to himself as he crawls across the floor. The people of polis rushed out of their tents but were frozen at the sight of the man they believed a monster, in so much pain but there was no one around him. They finally saw the truth of what the mind does to someone. "18" Finn continues to mumble as his tears mixed in the rain and he reached what he was crawling to. It wasn't until Finn wiped away the water in his eyes that I saw what he was truly doing. His blood smeared across his face from newly sliced arms. There was no sign of Finn in his eyes. His eyes were jumpy and running 100 miles per hour. "I just wanted her safe" Finn's beg to the nothingness had the people of Polis whispering to one another. His head in his hands, screaming through his sobs, Finn pleaded with himself.

"Finn, it's okay." I knelt down to Finn but he only jumped at my touch. Finn could not see me, he only saw fear. His fear. Every time he tried to get up and run the earth tripped him.

"Murderer" Finn vomited on the floor as he muttered the words. "Monster" taking only a break to mumble he continued to puke. "Killer"
Shame filled every grounder watching as they witnessed what their words have done. I could only watch as Finn tore himself apart in front of me. I wasn't enough anymore, I couldn't help out him of it. I spot Lexa watching from her balcony with Titus. Something is discussed between them before they hand an order to their guards. A dart flies through the air hitting Finn unconscious.  Before I could run to his side, guards drag Finn away.

"What have you done with him?" I push onto Lexa.

"18. He cut himself 18 times." Lexa looks at me not but I can tell she is in pain. Maybe not from seeing Finn's pain but seeing how much I cared for him. "My ambassadors have agreed to let him walk free. Seems they have now seen what he is going through and have decided he will suffer more if he lives." Lexa explains as she leads me to a cell Finn is kept in. "Go on, he needs you." Lexa leaves me alone with Finn who only continues to stare at the ceiling.

"Finn" happy was not a strong enough word to show how I felt seeing him be ok. But my joy was not returned. Finn only sat up and stared straight through me.

"You were wrong Clarke." Nothing confused me more than this moment. Finn not filled with love as he always was. Instead he was far away. Far from me. I see it in his eyes when I try to reach him. "The things we've done to survive....." finally he looks me in my eyes as he speaks for the last time. "DO define us." Before I could protest he abruptly gets up and leaves behind a symbol that shattered my heart into thousands of pieces. Our pencil . He left it. He left me. It's over.

Finn's POV:

I leave before Clarke can see the water buildup with my eyes. How hard it was for me to do but I knew it had to be done. She would never be safe with me. She would never be happy with me. So I made the choice for her. To leave. Everyone demanded I be what I never could be. To be good, to be the person I was before the massacre. At last I accepted the truth everyone sheltered me from. The truth is I AM a monster, I AM a killer, and I AM a murderer. I leave behind not only Polis but my heart as well. The forest damp from the night before fills with lovely songs that birds ever did sing. Ones that I did not deserve.

"You didn't think I'd let you go that easy did you."
A man shoved me up against a tree to show me his face. The hatred in his eyes. Nyko's eyes. "Now do you understand? Now you know that there is fates worse than death. Cause I assure you, you've cursed me with it." I only barley see a tear fall down Nyko's cheek when he slams my head on the ground repeatedly until I watch the world go black.