trepidation | h.s

part thirty three

tw// alcohol abuse

"I'm a little much for everyone."

Harry Styles

It's been exactly 24 hours.

I've gone to bed, and woken up, alone. Lydia's not here.

After everything happened, I brought her home and helped her pack a bag for her and Daisy...then I brought them back to her parents.

I didn't communicate with neither Jane nor Cory at all. They don't want to see me ever again. It's like I'm dead to them, but it's not like I can blame them. That damage is done, it can't be reversed.

I didn't let Lydia see how it affected me, because she was already so affected herself.

But it hurt...a lot.

I've fucked up with them before, and had to work to gain their trust again.

Now it's all fucking gone.

After my aunt died, Jane became the closest thing to a mother I had. Cory was a father to me. They had both become two very important figures in my life, and it always felt good to know I was accepted by them.

But now I'm not.

Now they think I'm a monster. I'll never regain any trust or love from them again...and I understand that. I get why they're scared.

I'm fully aware that they don't want Lydia to be with me anymore.

I get it if she chooses to leave...she should respect her parents' opinions.

If this is her chance to get to safety then I want her to leave me. I want her and Daisy to be safe, I don't care what happens to me. 

I'm slowly losing everybody anyway...

Everyone I love is being taken from me in some way or another. I'm so scared that Lydia will be next.

Falling asleep last night was nearly impossible. It was my first night in this new house, and I spent it all alone. I'm so used to Lydia laying next to me, her body tucked right against mine. I didn't have that last night. It felt like I was sleeping on nails.

Waking up was worse. There was no one else on the other side of the bed. There was no lamp left on. No Daisy.

It doesn't feel right, but I need Lydia to stay where she is for a little while...for her own good.

All I've been doing today is unpacking, getting the house ready for when we're all together again.

It's been a hard day for me. I've had a few drinks, just to numb it a bit.

I don't know if I planned to get drunk or not. All I know is that I'm feeling so much, and so much of those feelings are hurtful ones.

I don't want to hurt today. I don't have the energy to hurt.

Maybe I'll get fucking wasted so I have to remember how shitty it feels to be intoxicated, and remember that I'd rather feel hurt instead.

But for some reason, right now, I can't think of another solution.

I've stayed away from my phone. All I want to do is call Lydia, just to hear her voice. But I'm not going to, at least not today.

If she needs me, she'll call.

I really want her to need me.

It's only been a day, and I know it wouldn't be a big deal if it was a simple visit with her mother and father—but the circumstances are different now.