trepidation | h.s

part fifty one: Finale

*sobs because this is the last crumble chapter i'll ever write after two years :,)*

Lydia Styles

2 months later...

I've always been afraid to drive alone with the windows down.

Even before all of the danger I knew, I would always keep the windows up. You're vulnerable when they're down. Anything could get in. You could get caught off guard.

So, if you were to ask me how I feel right now as I drive down a long stretch of highway with all four windows down, I don't know what I'd say.

Nervous? Yes. Scared? No.

Fear is not something I face anymore—not in the same volume I did before. I haven't let go of fear and I'm not sure if I ever will, but I know that I'll never have to face the things I've faced months ago.

It's not all perfect, though.

The public's knowledge about the gang still exists, but what the story is to them now is that the Kings were all killed in a gang war and there were no survivors. The danger is gone in their eyes even though Harry and the guys were never the danger to begin with.

With surviving, comes trauma. Invisible wounds are still so ever-present. Of course, wounds heal. But these are taking time.

The guilt lingers too. Guilt over losing our two closest friends. What we lost wasn't something replaceable. Lives were taken, friendships were lost. Liam and Niall were so deserving of real, normal and tranquil lives.

They'd want us to heal. We're trying.

Two months of trying hasn't made it completely better, but how does two months make up for years of living in fear? It's going to take time and I'm understanding that day by day.

It's easy to get frustrated and want to give up. Harry and I both have our moments where it just gets to be too much...and we argue. But I prefer to argue than shut each other out. It's good to get it off of our chests and then regroup and make it better. That's our process and it works for us.

We've slowly been working on getting back to being 'Lydia and Harry'. We aren't completely fixed yet, but that's okay. We don't pressure each other, but we encourage conversations. If I'm sad or angry or upset, I let him know and we make boundaries, and vice versa. By no means are we perfecting this thing, but we're trying. I've had a few conversations with my mom about it. She told me that the best thing I can do is be patient. In two months, Harry and I have gotten closer physically as well—as much as we can anyway. We've been so busy with the pregnancy.

I'm two and a half months pregnant now, and I'm just horrified of the thought of the whole birth process again. It makes my legs hurt when I think about it. I've heard that the second go is easier, but I'm not sure if that's true.

What I can't believe, is that we're having a second kid.

Two small children won't be an easy feat, but our lives weren't easy before so I truly think that we can overcome this.

Harry is so excited. He's convinced we're having another little girl, although he says he'll be just as thrilled if it's a boy. He's just so ready to be a dad again.