デカセクト

Chapter 47

Shouko managed to smile a little throughout the dinner but she stayed silent and only talked when the adults asked her something. Nijiro was just the same. The two felt drained of energy and they even thought twice about going there.

But Nijiro had to since it was to celebrate his birthday and he couldn't just appear without Shouko so the girl had to come with him too.

When the dinner finally ended, he took her back to her place and debated if he should still spend the night over. In the end, he did follow her inside. He already had clothes in her closet and a toothbrush in the bathroom, it even felt like he already lived there.

Just like yesterday, he listened to her soft cries in the bathroom where she thought he wouldn't be able to hear her. But this time, he wasn't crying along with her. He just stood there hating himself more and more as each second passed, wondering if he'll continue to hurt her if he stayed with her.

Despite wanting to be with her until his last breath, he did think about if she was better off without him and the possibilities of her thinking the same way.

Pulling out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter, he quietly walked back inside her room. The sweet scent of vanilla and strawberry were now masked with cigarettes.

Shouko stepped inside not long after him and got herself dressed while he had his back to her so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

It was obvious that they weren't going to work out if this goes on but they still wanted to stay and try to make it work. If they didn't end up together in the end, at least they tried.

Shouko's head was filled with doubt and she wondered how they lasted this long even after everything and her thoughts made her question her sanity as well as her capability of making the right decisions. And she wondered if it was right to stay with him after what he did, after what she did.

They were both hurting themselves by staying with each other but no one wanted to let go; rather, no one wanted to let go first. Because letting go first might make them feel guiltier, letting go first might make them regret it for the first of their lives.

Without saying a word to each other, they decided to go out separately. They both needed some air and some time to themselves even if it's only for a few hours or so.

Shouko decided to go to her favorite ice cream shop and in there she met someone she didn't ever want to see again.

Dori gave her a soft smile before handing her a cup of her favorite ice cream. It was like he knew she was planning to go there and waited until she got inside.

Even though Nijiro wanted to give her some space, he couldn't help but follow her. He watched her from afar, sitting with the person he hated the most. It was sickening to watch the two together but he stayed there and watched them.

Jealousy burned in the pit of his stomach as Sakurada whispered something to her. Shouko frowned and looked like she was deep in thought. A few seconds later, Sakurada brought her face up to his and kissed her.

Nijiro clenched his fists and took a step forward but he stopped. He wanted to see if she would kiss him back. She never did, but she didn't push him away either.

Sakurada not only kissed her once or twice, it happened a couple more times. Each time, Shouko would just let him but she didn't kiss back. It still made him feel like his heart was being ripped in two.

Nijiro finally had enough and went back to his place. He didn't know if he could handle sleeping beside her after what he saw, he didn't know if he could smile and still pretend everything was alright. But he'll try, he'll try so that she wouldn't leave him.

"You don't love him, Shouko..." Dori whispered to her. "And he doesn't love you."

He's right. Maybe we didn't really love each other after all.

"You were just....confused." Dori added. "He was always there that's why you felt you loved him."

I remember...I remember everything happened way too fast

"If you loved him you wouldn't have done what you did with me, right?" He whispered again. "And if he loved you, he wouldn't have done what he did."

Shouko slowly nodded, agreeing with him. Before she knew it, his lips were on hers. She didn't push him away, she didn't do anything to stop him. Her mind was so confused that he just let him do what he wanted. He was right, after all. She didn't really love Nijiro and Nijiro didn't love her so it was okay. Letting him kiss her was okay.

Dori smiled and they ate together in silence. Every once in a while, he would lean in and kiss her. Each time, she would let him. It made him feel like they were finally getting somewhere.

Later that night, he drove her back to her place. He scanned the area and smiled to himself when he couldn't see Murakami's car anywhere.

Shouko was lost in her thoughts as she got inside. She noticed Niragi drinking water from his bowl and went over to him to pet him.

"Lucky you..." She whispered to him. "...all you do all day is sleep, eat, and play."

Shouko sighed and went to her room. It still had smelled like a hint of sweetness and smoke. Oddly, it smelled nice and she liked it.

When she got out her phone, she was expecting at least one text from Nijiro but there was nothing from him, only a few from Kento who was apologizing for being way too busy. She managed to smile and tell him it was alright before going to the bathroom and taking a hot bath.

Shouko brought her phone with her and as she felt her tears start to fall again, she decided to type a text message for Nijiro. She knew she wouldn't be able to say it to his face so this was the only way unless she made him a handwritten letter which would just be way too much effort.

For what felt like hours, her finger hovered above the send button. She wanted to tell him everything she had been feeling since that night, she wanted to confess what she did behind his back.

I still want to hold on..

But in the end, she couldn't do it. Instead of sending him the text, she deleted it before she could changer her mind again and send it.

I want to let you go but I can't

After a while, she started sobbing. Once again, the guilt and the pain took over her. She felt like she was drowning even though her head was still above water, she felt scared even though there was nothing to be scared of.

I'm so tired but know you're tired too

Little did she know that Nijiro was thinking of the same thing. He stood under the shower, drowning himself in his own thoughts again. It's been more than an hour of him just standing there. But the pouring water was the only thing that could convince him that he wasn't crying.

It fucking hurts and it's all my fault, I did this to us..

Nijiro knew he was the one who made the wrong decision first but did she really have to let another guy kiss her after she told him he was forgiven? It wasn't fair, he was hurting too. She made the same mistake he did but he felt like he was suffering more than she was.

The thought of just letting go crossed his mind but it only hurt him more. He would be a complete idiot if he decided to let her go after she forgave him.

I love her, I love her...I don't want to love her...

But he couldn't forget about the marks he saw on her. He wanted to at least hear her admit what she did; even if it'll hurt him, even if it'll break them apart.

Even so, he wanted to wait until she was comfortable enough to open up to him about it. He'll wait for that day, he'll be patient.

But what if that day never comes?