January 10th
Its the weekend finally! But saturday isn't a good day for me. It just reminds me how far away I am from Phil. That I won't see him until Tuesday at the latest! A part of me hoped he would knock on my door but that was a long shot as he barely knew my name let alone where I live!
Saturday: The day where my family force me outside to be judged by more family members. The day where I look in the mirror to check I look dark enough, hoping I can hide in the shadows whilst the rest of my family talked. I'm the black sheep. I don't fit in and I never will. I realised this a long time ago...
Saturday: The day where I'm woken up early. My mum opening the curtains even though she knows I can't change when they're open. She knows that I get paranoid about someone spying on me, even though we have netting. She knows. but she thinks I'm being awkward. I'm not, its a genuine fear I have! I don't want some perv with goggles staring into my room whilst I'm butt naked. Its an irrational fear to be honest, it shouldn't bother me but it does.
I get to my nans and sigh deeply as I step through the doors. I fake a massive smile and go over to hug my nan. She kisses my cheek and calls me her "little guy" even though I'm way taller than her. I laugh with her and everything seems pleasant, but really anxiety is building up inside me. I just want to go under my cover and hide, blasting My Chemical Romance. I just wanted Phil... wait what? I shook my head as the thought appeared.
You're not going to have a boyfriend Daniel Howell! You hear me! My dads voice rattles my brain, remembering how he'd reacted when I'd told him I liked a guy at my school.
"oh okay... I don't want to date a guy anyways" I laughed nervously, rubbing the back of my neck "I just meant I'm jealous because his hairs so much better than mine. I'm all about the ladies!" okay dan stop lying, you're as straight as a ruler... a bendy one! my mind mocked me as I realised I would never be the son my parents wanted. They wanted grandchildren. My mum wanted to be able to see my bride in a beautiful dress, everything traditional. I was a dissapointment.
I decided I would try to stay positive throughout the day. I didn't want to be sad anymore. I didn't want to constantly fear exclusion, judgment, rejection. The last one made me think of Phil. I liked him but I would never... could never ask him out. For fear of rejection.
"So Dan, hows school?" My nans question brought me out of my thoughts
"Its been great Nan!" I chirped "I've made a new friend from my psychology lesson" lie, but I wanted to talk about Phil anyway I could.
"ooh, is she cute!?" She asked me, sounding more like a school girl than my grandma
"its a he" I said awkwardly. Feeling like I was going to blush but held down the urge incase she got the wrong impression... or the right one depending on what mindset you have.
"Oh" She said, a smile still on her face "is he cute?" She winked at me and the blush took full force. My face felt like I was on fire, this made my nan laugh more.
"Don't worry darling, I won't tell them" She told me, gesturing towards the back kitchen which harboured my family. She took my hand then "be with whoever makes you happy" She smiled at me. I smiled back. I felt like finally someone understood me, finally someone wasn't judging me. It was a hell of a good feeling I can tell you that. I think my nan will be the only person I miss when-
"Thanks... but I don't think he likes me like that" I put my head down and stared at my feet.
"chin up lad" She lifted my chin up "you might be surprised"
--------------
My nans words echoed through my brain, I still hear them now. I can feel the smile on my face as I write this, thinking of Phil actually liking me... but I don't know if I like him? I'm frowning now, I can't think straight (pun not intended). Phil makes me all mixed up inside.
----------------
- sorry for the late updates! Omg I've been so busy with school and stuff *sigh* but I hope you like my little filled. More story soon :3
Also all the dates are all right now, as you can check for yourself on a 2015 calandar ;3
- Rach x -
YOU ARE READING
Time | Phan AU (MAJOR grammar editing in progress)
FanfictionDan has set a date. He will wait 6 months and if his life isn't better by then he will end it. Just days after planning this he meets Phil. Things get worse at first, and Dan continues to feel worthless. Can Phil save him before its too late? Trig...
