Time | Phan AU (MAJOR grammar editing in progress)

Apologies ~ Trigger

Okay guys when a bold border is put across the screen this means the trigger is about to appear. Its an eating disorder trigger so if you think you may be effected DO NOT READ IT! okay? Okay. 

You won't miss out on the story and I will put the '~~~~~~' border back up when its safe to read. Now onto the story:

January 19th 

Phil did come over my house later, but he refused to walk home with me. I had tears down my face when he arrived, my cheeks became a raw red shade as I tried to wipe them away. My stomach had dropped and I felt empty. My ribs ached as much as my heart, I had pains shooting inside me.

"Hi" I mumbled. It felt like when we first met all over again, but this time ten times worse.

"hey" He said back "sorry about earlier" He scratched his neck and refused to look at me, his eyes permanently glued to the carpet.

"whatever, lets just do the project" I said before rushing upstairs. I didn't want him to apologise, I understood. Maybe before I didn't but I suddenly realised that how could anybody like me anyways? I don't even like myself.

"Look Dan I want to explain myself" Phil exclaimed bursting into the room, arms raised slightly as if reaching out to me. I just nodded, lost for words. "are-are you gay?" The question made my eyes widen, a gasp escaping quietly, that was not what I had expected. My mind was fuzzy and I couldn't get my brain to think up words so my mouth was gaping aimlessly at the air.

"so what if I was" I finally spoke. Probably could've chosen better words there, now he would know that was a yes. I didn't even deny it!

"Nothing..." silence "it's just there's been rumors going around, people think me and you are together" he stared down at me and I felt a lump form in my throat, tears threatened to leak out again. I had been so stupid to think me and Phil could ever get together! A guy like him doesn't fall for a guy like me. I'm like a... llama and he's a lion. Okay that was a crap metaphor but you know what I mean. 

"oh" I paused, letting all the information sink in. I couldn't decide if he was ashamed that people thought this or what. "well, I understand if you don't want to talk to me. I am a gay boy after all" I laughed humourlessly, swinging my arms dramatically about. I dropped them and sighed. "Just go" I said, he would leave anyway. He knew my secret now.

"But Dan I..." He began, but I didn't want to hear his excuses. I clenched my jaw.

"Just leave Phil!" I snapped, interrupting his sentence. His eyes widened at my sudden outburst. I reached out to apologise but he flinched and ran out the door. I fell to my knees right then. I cried. I don't care who knows it, I cried thinking of him. I felt bad, I had scared him. He knew I was gay, he would tell everyone. I was worthless. 

I rushed downstairs and I saw him outside my house, he was just staring at it and I felt like he was staring at me. But all too soon he began to walk away. I felt weak and vulnerable, I had just told him my biggest secret. I had come out to Phil. My stomach growled angrily and I gave it what it demanded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rushing into the kitchen I shoveled as much food as I could manage down my throat. Junk food mostly. I felt sick but I couldn't seem to stop. All control had gone and I wasn't thinking about calories as I let the sweet demons cleanse me. Tear began to mix with my food and creating a sloppy mess which I still consumed.

I glanced up and there in the mirror held a boy. He was disgusting, food wrappers surrounding him. The boy was me and all too soon the wave of nausea took a hold of me. I had eaten too much, I was fat, I was worthless. No wonder Phil hated me. I was the fat gay guy. 

The wave of sickness flooded my system again as I made my way into the bathroom, kneeling down on the cold tile floor. I shoved my fingers down my throat. My fingers a gun shape as though I was trying to kill myself, but maybe I was. The food came out like a liquid, more like a watery sick unlike usual. The food was unrecognisable. 

I shoved fingers further and thanked myself for not having long nails as my fingertips graced the back of my mouth. Water shot into my eyes, saliva covered my fingers and yet I kept going. Phil burning a whole in my throat, my stomach flipping over. More liquid escaped as my body shook, shivers flowing through my bones. I was ready to give up, thinking that was enough but a voice kept urging me on. Telling me I deserved this for eating too much. 

When I finished I flushed the toilet and sat on the seat for a little while, head in my hands as tears appeared. I could barely swallow and I felt empty. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A while later I found myself sitting on my bed, laptop on my lap and videos playing on YouTube. Making my worries leave me for a little while. Once I had watched literally every video on my subscriptions feed my mum arrived home. 

"hey hunny" She said as she made her way into my room. I was pretending to study now in hopes she would leave me alone for a little while "have you eaten?" 

"yeah" I nodded and smiled at her. Lying like I always did because saying 'no' and telling her the truth was much too difficult. 

"good" She smiled back "I'll leave you to your studying then" and with that she left. I looked at the door that was still half open and stormed over to it. 

Haven't you people ever heard of, closing the god damn door? NO I sang in my head as I closed the door myself. I sighed and sat back on my bed. My psychology book was staring at me from my desk so I casually grabbed it on the way, without even thinking. Once I had it I decided it would be a good idea to do some work. I flicked through the categories and saw the perfect subject. 

Aggression. For Phil had been angry at me and then I had snapped at him. I would love to know how aggression worked so I thought about what I could do. I had the perfect idea, I would write a short 'made up' case study and then try to analyse it. That will be my- our - project. 

I smiled as I began to write fastly, thoughts flying as I tweaked the characters:

Alex and Jack, two friends who have known each other for years. Here is a letter Jack sent -

Dear IronicPsychology,

My name is Jack.

Alex and I have been friends for many years. Recently Alex has begun to yell at me and have random bursts of rage at me. I'm no better as I have also started snapping at him and starting arguments.

I was wondering if you could explain to me where this aggression has come from and what we can do to stop it? thank you for the help,

Jack.

I looked at the character development and the little progress I had done but thought it was better then nothing and that I could always go back and change it later. I glanced at the clock and saw it was only midnight, but I felt like all my energy had vanished. Tiredness was taking over me, my eyes were sore. I yawned deeply and as I closed my eyes the burning sensation in them faded. I was quickly greeted by sleep my dreams full of bright blue eyes and raven black hair.