Flying On Crippled Wings • (Sixx:AM)

Find The Places That Scare You

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Wasn't sure if I was gonna post a scene today or tomorrow but I decided on today... I was home from work (my only day off), and literally did nothing because my whole body was aching... I got my second dose of my COVID vaccine yesterday so maybe that has to do with it... I hope it goes away soon. Anyway... Took me a while to choose a scene from my collection, but I went with this one so I hope it reaches your expectations. (lol... I'm slightly insecure about it, but what else is new around here?)

TIMEFRAME:
James is IN treatment, but out on a pass... I would say this takes place a little after the sequel ("You Have Come To The Right Place") left off (as of right now). He's doing well enough to be able to go on passes to the outside... but still has his struggles... which is typical in recovery...

Side Note: If you've read "You Have Come To The Right Place", you know that Ensure is the high calorie supplement drink that James is given if he can't finish his food (or to supplement his high meal plan... cause weight restoration... fun times).

***WARNINGS FOR THIS SCENE***
Mention of specific ED behaviors, distorted thinking, anxiety/panic attacks, dissociation

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Walgreens Pharmacy, Los Angeles

JAMES'S P.O.V.

Being in the outside world can feel conflicting at times...

I know it probably sounds a little crazy to hear that considering I've been stuck in treatment for so long... You would think that I would be so excited to get out whenever I can.  Don't get me wrong... I am .

Whenever I'm allowed out on passes it's a great feeling.  Whenever I'm told that I can do more exposures or challenges, it means that my treatment team trusts me enough to be able to hold myself accountable for things... At the same time, it's fuckin' hard.

I'm at the pharmacy right now because whenever I'm allowed at home for a day or even a few days, Nikki and DJ always make sure to keep Ensure in my house.  I know... I know... What wonderful pals I have...

Look... I'm not gonna pretend I don't hear the sarcasm in my words right now because that would be a lie.  There's just this certain association with Ensure that you develop when you've been forced to drink the damn stuff over and over again for a prolonged period of time...

If there's any one universal symbol of eating disorder treatment... It's Ensure.

I feel like most people who probably walk down the aisles and see the stuff probably think of old people... But I don't. 

I just think of treatment.

Honestly, there's way too many reminders of what I'm going through whenever I go to a freakin' pharmacy.  It's not just the Ensure...

I've spent my fair amount of time exploring pharmacy aisles... When I was at my worst, I would pace up and down the aisles with food, but I never bought any of it... I would just stand there, observing every box of cereal... Every cookie, granola bar, chip, frozen meal... I would walk around and scan the nutrition labels even though there was almost never even a point considering that I already memorized the calories of every fuckin' food I saw...

Sometimes I would get nervous that an employee was gonna think I was stealing stuff... I totally wasn't.  I was just pacing around like a lunatic because my brain was so starved and my body literally dragged me to the store as a way of saying 'FEED ME!  I need food!  I NEED FOOD—'

My body was trying to talk to me but I never listened to it... It was trying to tell me to feed it, because it was shutting down, but my brain was too far gone into the depths of my own addiction that I just couldn't see that.  There was no way that I could connect to my rational side when I was in that deep... I couldn't even connect to myself.