Flying On Crippled Wings • (Sixx:AM)

There's Always Struggle Here

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

When I wrote this months ago, I was in tears... so forgive me... it's a heavier piece.

(also, some of you may recognize this one... it was added to the end of "Relief" as a deleted scene/chapter, but it's time to add it here... ;) )

WARNINGS AS FOLLOWS: mention of specific ED behaviors (laxatives, purging, diet pills, exercise, etc)

TIMELIME: This is a deleted scene right out of "Relief"... It takes place a few days after James comes out of the hospital and returns home, waiting to be admitted into treatment... CHAPTER 36 (aka: PERMISSION).

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DJ's P.O.V:

I never thought that I would ever be trying to hold back tears outside of a pharmacy....

This isn't just a normal trip to the store... This is painful. This is excruciating... You know why? Do you know why?

Me and Nikki have been taking turns staying with James at his house while waiting for a call from a treatment center... I can't even explain how nerve wracking all of this feels, because even though I know he's out of the hospital, and he's medically safe , I'm still terrified.

I'm absolutely terrified because literally anything could happen... Anything.

I don't want to be that person who's always assuming the worst but I know that's what I'm doing... I can't help it though. The dude just came out of the hospital because his heart almost stopped... The guy is so sick ...

He's sick.

He's physically and mentally sick, and it's not his fault but god ... It's horrible to see... It's horrible to witness, and I wish it wasn't real.

I wish the three of us weren't in this situation right now but it sucks because we are... We are and we can't change it... That's fuckin' cruel.

James was just in the hospital a few days ago but it doesn't matter. I'm smart enough to know that they didn't focus on eating and weight gain there. What they focused on was getting him medically stable enough to leave. They focused on regulating his heart rate and blood pressure. They waited until his EKG was okay, which meant that his heart was beating steadily and there were no more beats skipping out of nowhere. They pumped him with potassium to get his levels back to the normal range...

They brought him to a place where he wasn't at risk of dropping dead.

I'm relieved that he's at that place but guess what? That's not enough.

I know the guy is gonna get help, but how is he supposed to manage waiting for god knows how many weeks without needing to go back to a hospital? He needs to eat, or at least try to keep something down... The way he did with the banana a few nights ago...

Yeah, it's great that his potassium levels are okay now, but his body can't handle not getting any nutrition. It just can't , and I see it. Honestly, my heart breaks as I think about this but I have to.

I have to.

Me and Nikki have been with him at his house for two days, and in these two days I've only seen James move out of a lying position three times.

Three .

I know part of it is his depression, but most of it is because his body is just too weak to be able to hold itself up on its own. He's running on empty . Nikki's told me that it's like a car. When the battery of the engine wears off, the car can't start. That's what's going on with James. Even though his lab work is okay, it doesn't matter. His body can't repair itself unless it's starting to get fed again, and even when it gets fed, it's still gonna take a while for it to regain all of the strength and energy that it had before.