AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hello friends! It's the time of the week to pick a scene to add to this compilation... I've been so crazy busy & my headspace hasn't been the best lately, but I'm just tryin to push through... Hope you're all doing well!
TIMELINE: I don't have an exact timeframe (I wrote this back in November), but let's say James was in treatment on an overnight pass (meaning he goes home & stays overnight and comes back to the center the next day)... Based on the headspace that he's in during this, I feel like that would be the most accurate timeframe.
WARNINGS:
***eating disorder thoughts, body dysmorphia, erratic moods, anger outbursts (due to mania / bipolar disorder), dissociation, trauma responses (fight/flight/freeze)****
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JAMES'S P.O.V:
I knew I shouldn't have started to exercise... I knew I shouldn't have because it's already feeling so torturous, and I've only been doing it for five minutes.
I've been exhausted all day. I haven't slept in almost three days because of my mania but I know that the sleep deprivation is catching up to me. I hate when I feel irritable and little things make me snap... or I become very close to snapping.
The whole day today has felt like that. I'm tired but not tired enough to keep me from working out... I just wanted to, but the issue is that I genuinely don't. I genuinely don't feel like doing this right now but I am. I am because I thought that maybe it would give me an energy boost and help me feel good...
That's a fucking lie and I'm smart enough to know that things won't end well... Exercising while sleep deprived? Not a fucking bright idea, but here I am being a stupid mental case. Here I am listening to my fuckin' eating disorder brain.
I would be lying to myself if I said this was a rational decision, because it isn't. The smart choice would have been to let myself relax, like I was doing when I first got home, but no.... No, I forced myself to work out, even though I feel my fucking eyes drooping, and my dark circles are horrible, and I just look dead.
I look like a mess, and I know it. I was in the bathroom before I turned on the workout video and I cringed when I saw my reflection. I know I haven't slept, but man it fuckin' shows. My hair was disheveled... My skin is pale... My eyes just look lifeless, yet frantic at the same time.
What a fucked up world I'm living in. Isn't it just great?!
It's fucking GREAT.
It's fucking great lying to yourself and saying that you're exercising in a healthy way right now, when you know very well it's a disordered decision. You know that very well because your fucking thighs feel like bricks and they're still sore from walking around earlier, but you're still here doing lunges and triple squats... You're still here tearing the muscles apart and feeling like you're about to collapse.
I'm in pain. I'm in physical pain but I would rather be in physical pain than mental pain. Sometimes I feel like if I'm in so much physical pain, I won't feel the mental torment. I won't feel everything else. I'll just feel pain... Soreness... Tenderness in my joints... Aches in my muscles...
That's all I'll feel.
It's a lie.
It's a fucking lie.
The physical pain doesn't take any of my other pain away. I'm smart enough to know that, but here I am attempting to shoo all of my thoughts and emotions away... but it's not doing a damn thing. It's not doing a damn thing but making it worse.
YOU ARE READING
Flying On Crippled Wings • (Sixx:AM)
FanficFollow the ups and downs of James's recovery through this collection of one-off's from the "Relief" AU... including "deleted" scenes from "Relief" & "You Have Come To The Right Place" or drabbles I've come up with that are not in the exact timeframe...
