Flying On Crippled Wings • (Sixx:AM)

Embrace The Discomfort (Part Two)

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Hope you all had a good week! Here's part TWO of the scene I posted last week...

The timeline is the same, since this continues right where the previous left off, but here's a refresher anyway...

TIMELINE WISE: This fits in anywhere between chapters 13 through 15 of "You Have Come To The Right Place". James mentions at the beginning of 14 that he earned the privilege of going down to the treatment facility cafeteria for lunch as an exposure a few days a week... This will go into more detail regarding that.

WARNINGS: disordered thinking, obsessive thoughts, anxiety/panic, food rituals/behaviors,

SIDE NOTE: the chicken mentioned in this scene isn't chicken breast sized... It's more like those PERDUE refrigerated fully-cooked chicken strips... here's a picture link for a visual:

https://www.perdue.com/productphoto/221_640_221_FV_clean_640.jpg

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JAMES'S P.O.V:

I wish I could say that I'm not as freaked out as I actually am right now but if I did, I would be lying... I'm pretty freaked out.

God, come on... I'm frustrated at myself because honestly how many times have I done Challenge Group Lunch now?!  Too many times to still be so anxious about it! 

Okay, rationally I know that it's normal and that I just love to be an asshole to myself but seriously... I should be excited about this! 

I mean... I am...

Today's Friday, which means that when I go down to the cafeteria, I can choose whatever I want... If I want a salad as my entrée I can have it... If I want a sandwich, I can do that... As long as it fits my meal plan I can do whatever I want...

I think I'm gonna challenge myself to a salad today, and I know that doesn't sound challenging at all.  In fact, it probably sounds incredibly safe but for me it's not...

It's actually a challenge for two huge reasons.

Number One: Lettuce is bulky.  Foods that are bulky make me feel fuller quicker and I bloat easier, which in turn leads me to become more aware of my body.

Number Two: If I decide to have a salad, I have to go to the salad bar and portion it all myself.  Estimating portion sizes is terrifying because there's the possibility of over-portioning... It won't be exact.

It's just the anticipation of how hard the challenge will be that's making me uneasy, but you know what?

That's the whole point.

I'm just trying to tell myself that if I've been able to make it through the other challenges I've done, there's no reason why I won't be able to get through this one too...

~ ~ ~

I thought that I was gonna be able to handle this well, but I think I thought way too soon...

I am not okay right now.

I'm actually the biggest fuckin' idiot for deciding to have the salad... I don't know what I was thinking!  You know, I thought it would have been a good challenge... I thought I would have enjoyed having salad especially because I'm finally allowed , but god... If I was able to just erase the last twenty minutes of my life I would... I would but I can't.

I can't because...

I portioned the chicken wrong.

I portioned the chicken in my salad wrong!  I put too much on my plate because I was rushing since I was running out of time to portion... It didn't really hit me until I sat at the table and looked at the salad...