Flying On Crippled Wings • (Sixx:AM)

Manic Malfunction

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Was gonna update this yesterday (I planned to do it weekly on Thursday nights), but I was so exhausted and didn't even have a scene from my compilation picked out... So I'm giving this to you tonight! I chose it on a whim, so I hope you like it.... I remember having a fun time when I wrote it in December!

TIMEFRAME: James is in treatment, so this would take place somewhere in "You Have Come To The Right Place"... I don't have exact details (I wasn't thinking about the timeframe when I wrote it), but I would say since James is allowed out on pass, it would be a bit after where I left off in YHCTHRP... (or even where I left off...) Either way, he is still in treatment. That's the important part here!

WARNINGS: descriptions of mania / bipolar disorder, eating disorder thoughts, panic

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JAMES'S P.O.V:

Bipolar Disorder is a weird thing...

The chemicals in my brain are so screwed up, and I know that there's nothing that I can do about it besides stay regimented and consistent with my meds, but damn , sometimes I really think it's my own fault that my brain is like this.  I know it's not... I know it's purely a chemical imbalance and it's something that I have absolutely no control over, and I never have, but it's frustrating.  It's frustrating that it seems unpredictable.  Even though I've become way more aware of the things that trigger certain episodes, there's still an aspect of unpredictability...

Most of the time I'm pretty aware of when an episode is coming on... There are always tell-tale signs to look out for, and since I've been dealing with this for a long time, I recognize those signs.  Sometimes however, there's a tiny part of me that starts denying it... There's a part of my brain that convinces me that I'm not having an episode and that I'm completely fine.  It's funny to say it out loud because it's so damn obvious when I'm manic...

Think about it. 

Everyone can basically see through me at this point when it comes to my bipolar and honestly, I don't blame people for questioning me when I start denying... Mania is insane... It makes me feel crazy a lot of the time because of the sudden increase of adrenaline and energy that I feel like I have... It's not just a burst of energy though... Most of the time it comes with other consequences.... And I'm saying consequences because although most people think of mania as euphoric , that's not always the case.

Oftentimes, it's way more than that.

Mania for me is an elevated emotion, no matter what the emotion is.  It could be happiness, or euphoria... It can be frustration, anger, or irritability.  It can be giddiness, or excitement... Because of the intensity of these emotions, there's a lot of impulsivity that comes along with being manic... Every decision I make is based on an emotion... There's no rational thinking involved because my brain is going way too fast to be able to even find logic... It can't take the time to comprehend or think deeply into things because it's too busy going from one thing to another.

Think about it this way... Being manic feels like your brain is a computer and it has over fifty tabs open all at the same time.  My thoughts become incredibly unorganized, and my mind races.  It races so fuckin' fast that I feel like I can't even keep track of anything that goes on up there... And since there's so much going on, I become easily forgetful.  I'll blank out on certain things, or sometimes they'll just go in one ear and out the other. 

I could be having a conversation with someone and get completely lost in the topic... Or I'll switch topics and totally forget what I was saying before... Or I go through so many fuckin' topics that the person I'm talking to gets ridiculously confused... They'll be staring at me blankly, not knowing how to continue on, because I'll be too busy going off about something completely unrelated to what we were talking about in the first place.