Guess Issa journal

Dear Future me

i don't really know why i decided to write you this letter and i dont know when im supposed to be sending it but i hope when i do it's something that you need at the moment because right now i dont even know how im feeling. the only one that i know would understand is you because youre me...obviously.

i feel so many emotions running through me and im not sure which ones to be focusing on. I think the last letter i wrote was new years and lol so much happened since. i dont need to tell you because again you already know.

Right now i'm just sitting here and thinking because i feel lonely as hell and want some fucking romance.

a week ago, i told this guy, that ill call Zino, that i have feelings for him and he hasn't spoken to me since then. he told me that he likes the way things are going and wants to take his time...i know i deserve more than that. its just shitty that it went like that and instead of just talking to me, hes ghosting me. i know it must be awkward after someone confesses but come on. thats such a coward move. I'm so sick and tired of people just taking the coward way out.  its disappointing because i deserve more than that. I honestly wasn't planning on ever telling him how i feel but it was a spur of the moment decision and jess was in the back hyping me up. honestly though i never felt so alive in that moment. i did something that scared the shit out of me and the adrenaline was exciting. the whole thing was so exciting and i want to have more moments like that. moments where i'm just purely alive in the present. Lately i just haven't been feeling present, like im observing the moment rather than living it. I've thought about getting a therapist so future me if i haven't done that already then please do yourself a fucking favor and do that and don't just ignore me because honestly you NEED it. so much has happened in our life and if not just a normal therapist for all your problems than a grief counsellor or something. you cant rely on your friends too much. they're not your therapist and they got their own issues.

Speaking of friends, i know i should be more responsive but its so hard picking up my phone and actually holding a conversation, its easy enough to post here and there but to maintain friendships or a simple conversation is energy that i dont have a lot of. I'm realising as im writing this how much of a hypocrite i must sound like talking about how i cant maintain conversations and i was upset because i've been ghosted. oh well.  

Future me, i just hope you're in a better place than i am in right now. If you're alive and reading this then youre doing good and im proud because its not easy choosing to live every day.